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Quit Being Dicks - How Republicans Lost The Election

I know, I know.  Late again. 

In my defense, I had started this a couple of days after the election, when the disappointment was so very, very high and most of my office started making plans to move to the soon-ly to be created United State of Texas. 

Yes, they were openly talking about seceding from the Union. 

That’s what I put up with everyday.

Dear God, did I enjoy November 7.

But it wasn’t all ‘I told you so’ and ‘Haha!’  (there was a really good chance I could have gotten punched if it was).  There was, however, lots of pouting, disappointment, and a TON of anger.  By Friday, most of them had finally realized  that Romney wasn’t going to win Ohio and started pointing fingers.

Minorities. Women. Mainstream Media. The Chicago Machine. The poor.  Immigrants.  Unions. Atheists.  Crooks.  Voter suppression (talk about calling the kettle black).   Intimidation.  Promises.  Lies.  Gifts. Thugs.  Socialists.  Marxists. Terrorists.  Muslims. 


Really? Denial, apparently, ain’t just a river in Africa. 

The truth, I’ve tried to tell them, has nothing to do with conspiracies or bribes or lies.  It’s pretty simple really.  Romney lost because he didn’t get enough votes to win.  There, black and white and writ large even for the stupid people.  Out of every 10 votes, Romney got 4.8 to the President’s 5.1 (local results may vary).  Blame who you want all that you want, but it’s simple math.  X is greater than Y. 

Majority rules. 

Suck it.

If you wanted to look deeper into why Romney didn’t get enough support from the welfare-addicted socialists of Amerika you could probably come up with a number of things Republicans should have done differently.  Here, from my vantage point high atop the Tower of Gloat, are my top five.

1.            Divorce the Tea Party

Look, we’ve all dated crazy people at some point in our lives.  It’s exciting at first.  All that manic energy, that sense of danger.  And then one day you find yourself sitting in some sketchy tattoo parlor on the wrong side of town, about to have the Preamble to the Constitution scrawled across your forehead by a guy covered in flaming swastikas.  In that moment you realize that maybe, just maybe, the love of your life is a freaking whack job and it’s time to get out. 

Guess what GOP?  It’s time to get out.

I admit I kind of admired the Tea Party when they burst onto the scene, way before they collectively lost their fucking minds.  Back then they were just angry.  But it was a justifiable anger.  The banks, the same people who helped drive our economy into the trees, had just been handed a bazillion dollar bankroll to get their shit together while every other house on the block went into foreclosure.  Then the government bailed out the auto industry.  Then they passed (forced) Obamacare on us.   And since the Democrats were in power, the GOP went a-courtin’ and wed themselves to the prettiest, angriest, bat-shit craziest lady on the block.

But you sleep with crazy, you don’t marry it.  The more you try to legitimize the relationship to your friends and family, the less sense it makes, even to you.  Now that you’ve put a ring on that finger, GOP,  don’t you get tired of dealing with crazy birthers, secessionists, and conspiracists?  Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to put a little distance between you and candidates who say things like ‘legitimate rape’, or run ads that begin with ‘I am not a witch.’    

Wouldn’t a world without Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin be an absolute joy?

So while you’re sitting in that sketchy tattoo parlor on the far, far, far right side of town, waiting for the ink to dry on your new face tattoo, GOP, take some advice. 

Leave!  Now!  Grab a bag and sneak away.  Fake your own death if you have to.  Just do whatever it takes to get out.  This crazy whack-a-doodle will RUIN you!

2.            Fire Your Marketing Team

Start with that smug, vacuous pile of clothes, Reince Priebus, and keep pink slipping 'til there’s nobody left! 

Face facts.  Reince is the enemy.  He personifies everything perceivably wrong with your party.  He comes off as a smug little prick who grins like the cat who ate the canary AND a big pile of shit.  He uninspires confidence.  You see him on TV and you want to see him get beaten up by a bunch of gang-bangers.  Or fifth graders.  I go back and forth.  I get that he’s better than Michael Steele, but Mike put the bar on the floor.  Personally, I thought your convention sucked.  And that thing you did to the Ron Paul supporters…just awful.  You gained NO SEATS in Congress and you lost an election that should have been a cake walk.   

Only one thing to do…

Reince, there’s the door. Don’t let it hit you on the way out.

With that done, I’d move on to the offices of your official unofficial publicist, Fox News, and cancel the PR contract.  Oh I know, they’re a ‘news’ organization, but in name only.  That ruse has been over for a while now.  The same contempt for anything outside the Fox comfort zone that defines their opinion programming has trickled into their news coverage.  They’ve thrown objectivity out the window in their quest for ratings, which has paid off big time,  but now their credibility is shot.   At this point, Fox is pretty much perceived to be an extension of the Republican Party and as they have given more airtime to people like Sean Hannity and Dick Morris, Karl Rove and Bill O’Reilly, they have inadvertently defined you as the party of the angry, white, right-wing crank. 

Do I even have to mention the damage wrought by talk radio?

Look, you’ve got to protect your brand, and while Fox, Rush, Reince and others have done some good work in the past, I think it’s time to part ways. 

Check out their latest PR blunder: ‘This isn’t America, anymore’. That has ‘loser’ written all over it. 

It’s time to shake things up.  I’m thinking Univision.

3.            Quit Assuming We Are All Closeted Conservatives

When I first started working, I worked with a hard-core Republican.  Anytime anyone said something about lower taxes, smaller government or anything slightly resembling conservative orthodoxy, he’d pipe up and say, ‘You see, you’re really a Republican.’   I always kind of thought he was a dick.

Flash forward a couple years to another job, another city and another dick.

One of the women in the office said she thought drugs should be legalized, who is the government to tell people how to live.

Enter the Conservative third wheel.

‘You see, right there, you’re thinking how liberal you are to legalize drugs, but the reason you want to, what you just said, is a very conservative philosophy.  You don’t want the government telling you what to do.  You guys don’t even realize it because the media has told you that’s a liberal position when it really means you’re a conservative.  They just want you to think you’re not.  People are smart enough to make their own decisions without the government telling them what’s right or wrong.’

‘Okay.  So do you think drugs should be legal?’ I asked.

‘Are you kidding?  Addicts don’t know what they’re doing.  We have to protect them from themselves.’

I used to think it was a couple of isolated incidents except its happened way too often on issues ranging from the death penalty and abortion to gun control and taxes.  Life and politics isn’t a continuous come to ‘My’ Jesus meeting. Don’t tell me that I should be one of you because I agree with you now and again.  Earn my business.  

Sell to me.  If you know how. 

And I don’t think you do. Case in point: 

There is a line of thought that Hispanics are naturally a Conservative voting bloc (as are women, Blacks, Asians and Gays, Moderates, Independents, and the Unborn if you ask the right know-it-all)  They’re religious, family oriented, and on the same (Republican) side of social issues.  They’re really Republicans, see, if they’d only look past the whole immigration hullabaloo, which the Liberals have used to keep Hispanics thinking that Conservatives are against them, except they’re really not.  Republicans are all about family and economy,  just like Mexicans!  See how Republican you all are!

Yes.  Such a simple idea.  Run it on Fox!

Which they have.  Sean Hannity has already stated that his position on immigration has ‘evolved’…as of November 7.  He believes that Republicans just need to alter their position on immigration from ‘Build a wall to rival Jerico’ to ‘Build a smaller wall and give these people a path to citizenship that won’t make landscaping more expensive.’  IF Republicans could just do that, they’d capture 90 percent of the Hispanic vote that was here legally and could vote.

Because Hispanics are really Republicans, just like everybody!

PS: Except a room full of Mexicans is about 100 times more fun that a room full of Republicans!  

PPS: You can also substitute ‘Women’ and ‘Reproductive Health’ and make the same argument.

4.            Get Out of the Morality Business

‘It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare, if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.’  -Todd Akin

Let the Show-me state show you the door.

“And even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape,  that it is something that God intended to happen.” - Richard Mourdock

Yes.  I remember that line from the movie 'Hoosiers'.

“Remember, Roger, if you go down that road, some girls,' he said, 'they rape so easy.'” – Roger Rivard

Oh, that’s out of context…what context should it be in?

“Gay people are not mentally healthy adult human beings.”  John Ragan

Nice.  Neither are Tennessee State Reps.

 “Our children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal and natural and that perhaps they should try it and that’ll be very soon in our public schools all across the state, beginning in kindergarten.” – Michelle Bachmann

Yes, so it’s less awkward when girls experiment with it in college.

Look, I get that this one cuts both ways, and either way it’s a loser.  As my father once told me, ‘Son, you can’t legislate morality’.  And he’s right, you can’t.   Unfortunately, our government can’t help itself. It’s just gotta pass a law about something.   Democrats are lucky here, they always come out of this argument sounding like free-love hippies and no one really hates hippies.  They just ignore them, they smell funny.  Republicans, unfortunately, don’t fare so well.  They come off as high-handed and snooty, like Edna Kravitz, the gold standard for niggling busybodies.  

Everyone hates that bitch.

Every couple of years you ask us to vote you into office so you can do things like provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty.  Nowhere does it state that you will tell me how to live, where to worship, who to marry, or how to manage my reproductive habits.  As you like to point out, we area free people, free to pursue happiness on our own terms.   You have a moral code, that’s cool.  So do I and it guides how I live.  Chances are your code doesn’t fit my life and arsy-varsy. 

So do me a favor, keep the judgmental shit to yourself and piss off.

 5.           Loose the Patrician and Tokenistic Attitude

This one goes hand in hand with points number 3 and 4.  Basically, you don’t know better than us. 

We’re all trying to slog through life as best we can.  Some of us are Progressives, some Conservatives and some of us don’t identify with any ideology at all.  Republicans exude the attitude that they are right all the time and that at some point those of us who are not Republicans are going to have an epiphany and jump on the bandwagon. 

Good luck with that. 

Look at this year’s spokesmodel, Mitt Romney.  You couldn’t have found a worse mouthpiece if you tried (and you did try, which is scary).   He was the very embodiment of 'patrician'.  He was rich, condescending, and an absolute boob on the campaign trail.  He couldn’t even parse the truth into a convincing lie.  No, he took facts, distorted them, and blew them up in his own face. 

Like saying he didn’t care about the 47% of Americans who are sponging off of society. 

Yes, there are 47% of Americans who don’t pay taxes, but only some of them are on welfare,the so-called ‘Takers’.  And yes, there is a percentage of voters who will never vote Republican.  And while I have no doubt that the two groups overlap, it is unfair to say that they are ALL the same people.   It is even worse to write them off

You want to win next time around?  Reach out to people.  Spend more time with us non-GOP children, take us to a game, teach us how to throw a ball, help us with our resumes so we can all be rich like you one day.    Show us that you care and have our best interests at heart.   And I don’t mean cosmetically, either. 

In what had to be one of the most cynical political decisions of my lifetime, you put, oh God, Sarah Palin on the ticket under the assumption that it would help you capture the pissed off Hillary vote.  See ladies, the Democrats don’t love you, but we do!  BTW – Did you know you were really Conservatives?

And for every Marco Rubio you trot out to show your love for Hispanics, you have exactly one Marco Rubio to show your love for Hispanics.  Now howsabout you ignore all that anti-immigration talk and vote Republican, just like you know you want to. 

It’ll be like coming home, ese.


So there you go GOP, five things to work on before the next election.  Remember, you didn’t lose this election because you weren’t conservative enough.  You lost because you were exactly the way you are.   All those things that I’ve mentioned, from the holier than thou attitude on down to your unappealing surrogates, turn people off.  Being more of that is a really bad strategy.  In the public schools they taught us this little thing in art classes, sometimes less is more.

I’d like to believe you’re capable of change, but in the last two weeks the Mittster has come out and said that he lost the election because the Democrats gave away the farm, demonstrating the same tone deaf in-touchness that he had on display during the campaign.  Then, just this week, Grover Norquist, the ghost in the Republican machine, popped up to remind his GOP puppets that they were more beholden to him than to the Constitution they’ve sworn to protect.  When he equates his ‘No New Taxes or I’ll Eat Your Children’ pledge to marital fidelity you know the wheels have come off.

You guys are so screwed.

**** 11/29/12 Reince announced that the GOP was going to go back and perform an autopsy on the election, to see what they did wrong.  I suggest he start with a mirror.
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