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Gonzogeek's Pigskin Picks: WEEK THREE

WHAT THE HELL, NFL?!?! What was that?! I understand that it’s the beginning of the season and that things are going to be loopy for a minute, but really?! And I’m serious about all of this anger right now (You can tell by scoping out all of those fancy punctuation marks [Question marks AND Exclamation points {Don’t make me bust out an ampersand, NFL!}])!! You’ve made me look like a fool (like a foolish fool!). I went from tied for first with a rather impressive opening week performance to getting trounced in week two with only FOUR correct picks. You’ve made me look like the Dallas Cowboys….or WORSE!!! THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stephe currently leads the way by his fraction of a point (Does anyone else think that .5 will come back to haunt us all later in the season?) with a score of 19.5. The Mayor of Parts Unknown trails with 19. Bruce has a solid 17, and Chris and I are battling it out in last with 15 apiece. ONWARD AND UPWARD!

After a rather insane two weeks of ups, downs and unpredictability, TWENTY of the 32 teams are 1-1. Of the six teams that remain undefeated, three of them have birds as their mascots (Eagles, Cardinals, and Falcons [so obviously the bird is the word in the NFL {EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!!!}]) And that leads us to our spotlight game of the week.

SPOTLIGHT GAME: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES VS. ARIZONA CARDINALS

HUNTER: SOMEHOW the Eagles have managed to stay undefeated with NINE turnovers. Most of those have come from Michael Vick (let’s not forget that when one of his dogs would have a bad fight, he’d drown them [where’s that punishment for him? {every time Vick throws a pick, can we taser him?}]) That’s the most impressive stat of the young season. They’ve somehow found a way to win. Admittedly one of those wins was against an inferior Browns team, but they still managed to eek out a win over the another fowl in the Ravens. Two weeks, two bird wins for the Eagles. PICK: EAGLES

BRUCE: The Cards are only undefeated thanks to a fluke win over the Patriots. As inconsistent as they are, I think Philly is the better team. I hope the Cards enjoyed their week, because it’s about to come to a bitter end. PICK: EAGLES

STEPHE: PICK: EAGLES

CHRIS: This game is case-study in early season NFL madness. Two teams will take the desert undefeated, and the disparity between them will quickly become Instagram Kelvin clear. Philadelphia’s offense will shred the Cards’ back 7, and their defense will humble former teammate Kevin Kolb. It would help if Arizona had a running game, but since they don’t it’s going to be lights-out early on this one. PICK: EAGLES

MAYOR: I understand both these teams are off to 2-0 starts. Good thing we don't monkey with that sort of tomfoolery in the MES. These are both birds and the Eagles have the definite size advantage. But which one's been on the endangered list? Point and match, Cardinals. Koko B. Ware defeats... um... the Gobbledy Gooker! PICK: CARDINALS

REST OF THE PICKS

NEW YORK GIANTS VS. CAROLINA PANTHERS

HUNTER: GIANTS

BRUCE: GIANTS

STEPHE: GIANTS

CHRIS: GIANTS

MAYOR: GIANT S over Panthers by flattening

ST. LOUIS RAMS VS. CHICAGO BEARS

HUNTER: BEARS

BRUCE: BEARS

STEPHE: BEARS

CHRIS: RAMS

MAYOR: BEARS over Rams by mauling

BUFFALO BILLS VS. CLEVELAND BROWNS

HUNTER: BILLS

BRUCE: Who scheduled this game? It’s like watching a pair of lifelong alcoholics get in a slap fight over the last complimentary peanut in the bowl. Someone is going to fall down eventually, but it won't be pretty to watch. BILLS

STEPHE: BILLS

CHRIS: BILLS

MAYOR: BILLS over Browns by stampede

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS VS DALLAS COWBOYS

HUNTER: Now that they’ve finally lost a game after their shocking week one win, I feel much better. However…..COWBOYS

BRUCE: The Cowboys crashed back to Earth last week. Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of clowns. BUCS

STEPHE: BUCS

CHRIS: BUCS

MAYOR: COWBOYS over Bucs. Final score: 3 Yeehaws to 1 ARRRRR

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS VS. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

HUNTER: While he’s not RGIII’ing it right now, Luck was fairly solid last week against the Vikes. A team that beat the Jags in week one. Ipso facto…vis a vis…transitive property of football….COLTS

BRUCE: The Jags looked hapless against the Texans last week and they didn't hire Matt. Continuing to lob bad GonzoGeek voodoo at them. COLTS

STEPHE: COLTS

CHRIS: This will be a far more exciting contest than most expect. COLTS

MAYOR: COLTS over Jaguars by 4 furlongs

NEW YORK JETS VS. MIAMI DOLPHINS

HUNTER: Remember when this was a rivalry game in the NFL? JETS

BRUCE: Remember when the Dolphins were a premiere NFL franchise? JETS

STEPHE: JETS

CHRIS: If Sanchez proves himself to be a better QB than the Phins rook, this should be another surprisingly fiercely fought early season divisional contest. JETS

MAYOR: JETS over Dolphins by Mach 3

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS VS. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

HUNTER: 49ERS

BRUCE: 49ERS

STEPHE: 49ERS

CHRIS: 49ERS

MAYOR: VIKINGS over 49ers by berzerkery

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS VS. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

HUNTER: SAINTS

BRUCE: SAINTS

STEPHE: SAINTS

CHRIS: SAINTS

MAYOR: CHIEFS over Saints by 2 war parties

DETROIT LIONS VS. TENNESSEE TITANS

HUNTER: TITANS

BRUCE: LIONS

STEPHE: LIONS

CHRIS: LIONS

MAYOR: LIONS over Titans by devouring

CINNCINNATI BENGALS VS. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

HUNTER: REDSKINS

BRUCE: REDSKINS

STEPHE: BENGALS

CHRIS: REDSKINS

MAYOR: REDSKINS over Bengals by ambush

ATLANTA FALCONS VS. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

HUNTER: FALCONS

BRUCE: FALCONS

STEPHE: FALCONS

CHRIS: CHARGERS

MAYOR: CHARGERS over Falcons by frontal assault

HOUSTON TEXANS VS. DENVER BRONCOS

HUNTER: I’ve loved this Texans team since they showed up and spanked the Cowboys in their first game. The only reason I’ve ever been against them is that they are divisional foes for the Titans. But if a team from the AFC  other than the Titans goes all the way, I’d totally love for it to be Houston. TEXANS

BRUCE: They are minting "Big Game" rings here in H-Town already. They're also salivating at the idea of beating down Peyton Manning after a decade of being his Divisional bitch. The former may be premature, but the latter? Well that's just gonna be fun to watch. TEXANS

STEPHE: BRONCOS

CHRIS: TEXANS

MAYOR: TEXANS over Broncos by saddlin' up them doggies

PITTSBURGH STEELERS VS. OAKLAND RAIDERS

HUNTER: STEELERS

BRUCE: STEELERS

STEPHE: STEELERS

CHRIS: RAIDERS

MAYOR: STEELERS over Raiders by smelting

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VS. BALTIMORE RAVENS

HUNTER: RAVENS

BRUCE: PATRIOTS

STEPHE: RAVENS

CHRIS: PATRIOTS

MAYOR: PATRIOTS over Ravens by Constitutional Conventioneering

GREEN BAY PACKERS VS. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

HUNTER: PACKERS

BRUCE: PACKERS

STEPHE: PACKERS

CHRIS: PACKERS

MAYOR: SEAHAWKS over Packers by a feather

Posted in: Sports
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