The Academy Awards are Sunday, so it's time for the annual predictions from the revered GonzoGeek panel: Bruce, Chris, John, Matt, Stephe and Matt’s copy of “Wrestlemania 2000” for the Nintendo 64.
Today: Best Lead Actress
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs (50/1)
Viola Davis, The Help (5/7)
Rooney Mara, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (40/1)
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady (5/4)
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn (12/1)
Odds provided by Bovada (formerly Bodog).
WINNER: Viola Davis
This is the only category I don’t really have a gut feeling to go on. I was originally going to pick Michelle Williams, but the further I got away from “My Weekend with Marilyn” the less substantial that movie seemed. Glenn Close got nominated for playing a cross-dresser and Meryl Streep got nominated for playing British. Boring. Rooney Mara seems out of place here. Of course, I was apparently the only person on the face of the Earth who didn’t like “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” (book), so I didn’t see that movie either. That leaves me with Viola Davis. She gave a strong performance in “The Help.” I see no reason the Academy won’t award her for it.
In a Perfect World: Two words…Kristen Wiig. Come on Academy. Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.
WINNER: Meryl Streep
Man, it’s gotta be tough being even an outstanding lead actress in the world, at least as far as bringing home any hardware is concerned. She might not have won for 30 years (‘Sophie’s Choice, 1982), but this is Meryl Streep’s 17th nomination, and as any good baller knows, you can’t win if you don’t get into the tournament. Glenn Close and Rooney Mara will both make good runs at this one (surprisingly, it’s Close’s first nomination since the 1980s); both did outstanding jobs of bringing nearly other-worldly characters to vivid and true life. But Streep did every bit as well portraying a spectacularly complex historical figure, and Hollywood does love it some biopic goodness….plus, it’s been too long.
In a Perfect World: Rooney Mara would win and be carried to the podium by the New York Football Giants’ front seven.
WINNER: Michelle Williams
Went to the Canine Arbiters on this one. I designated one nominee to each of five treats and put them on the floor. Jack ate Michelle Williams' treat first. I'm pretty sure this is how other important decisions are made, right? Isn't that how they helped determine the last Pope?
In a Perfect World: Miss Piggy is recognized for her tremendous performance in The Muppets.
WINNER: Viola Davis
Chris' stats on Streep and Close stunned me; especially with Meryl, I have been so used to seeing her on the nominee list that's assumed she at the Oscars = The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Unfortunately both Streep and Close make the list this year with roles that seem like textbook Oscar bait: both period pieces with one Biopic and one gender-bend. (and really, of Amanda Bynes can play a dude, is it all that hard? Close could get nominated for her TV role in Damages and it would seem more feasible). I particularly enjoyed both Mara and Davis, but I felt like Davis really made The Help her movie. Whereas Spencer's character took the period-appropriate bigotry and snapped right back with a vengeance, Davis just weathered body blow after body blow, reacting just enough for the audience to feel the impact.
In A Perfect World: Charlize Theron gets recognized for Young Adult, her ugliest role since Monster.
WINNER: Glenn Close
Who am I kidding, it’ll be Michelle Williams for ‘My Week With Marilyn’. Why? Because Mad Men wins Emmys. Glenn Close has been knocking it out of the park for years, she’s due.
In a Perfect World: Marisa Tomei for ‘My Cousin Vinny’. Wait. That’s not right.
Wrestlemania 2000 *
WINNER: Rooney Mara
Glenn Close actually has the longest odds, but I can't think of anything good for Michelle Williams and let's be real, she's not really in this thing either. So allow me this shortcut and let's bounce Marilyn.
Glenn Close, a woman in a man's body - Chyna (although we would have accepted Pat Patterson) (zing!)
Viola Davis, who starts out making a statement about equal rights but ends up just being a straight badass - Farooq
Rooney Mara, who will be forever identified by all that crazy metal on her face - Prince Albert
Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady" - Pat Patterson (double zing!)
The four pair off in the early going - the old classics vs fresh faces. Mara and Streep brawl it out while Davis and Close go at it. Mara throws Streep around a bit, and eventually Davis smells blood in the water. She moves in and the two of them finish Streep off with a double powerbomb. Just like in the Lead Actor category yesterday, the odds-on favorite is eliminated first, this time at 4:17. As soon as Streep rolls out of the ring, she drags Close out, clearly not wanting her fellow icon to get the glory. That plan backfires because the other two spill outside as well. In the middle of the scrum, Close slips behind Davis and drops her with a reverse DDT on the floor for the elimination at 10:20. The action finally returns to the ring, where Close takes advantage over Rooney Mara. Mara seems out of her element, but when Close misses a chance to put her away with a sleeperhold, the girl with the painted-on tattoo rallies. She reverses the hold, picks the paragon up over her head and slams her down with a huge gorilla press powerslam for the pinfall and the Oscar at 13:16.
* Wrestlemania 2000 picks the Oscars by (1) eliminating the nominee with the longest odds, (2) matching up the remaining four with a character from WM2K’s extensive circa-1997 WWF roster and (3) Staging a CPU-generated four-man elimination match where the last man standing is the Oscar winner. No wrestlers are repeated during the contest.