This week: When you heard the title was "Some Like It Hoth," you probably had a pretty good idea of how the episode was going to go. You were mostly right.
Miles Straume: Third day we were here, I was on line at the cafeteria and my mother got in line behind me. That was my first clue.
LOST, Season 5, Episode 13
Some Like It Hoth
I. M. Night ShymaLOST
A. Maybe we don't see Miles' power that often because he still doesn't quite know how to harness it? Sometimes he needs to open the bodybag to read the dead, sometimes he feels them through three-to-six feet of dirt, or through apartment walls. Sometimes he hears them, sometimes it makes him blink and twitch like he's going to sneeze, and sometimes it makes the world all shaky and zoom-y. He's totally rolling the dice with them every time.
B. When he asked his mom to tell him "why I'm this way," I originally assumed he meant why he was done up like everyone's exaggerated, pseudo-racist stereotype of a college-age, club-hopping Asian kid. Spiky hair and nose rings! Fuck you, dad!
C. I wonder how many times Naomi had to talk herself through the pitch to Miles in the car before she was comfortable. She basically had to explain to a classified-ad psychic con artist that a rich old man thought he was a valuable commodity. Chuckie Dubs' plan was for Haley Joel to talk to the dead Dharmans (who'd been gone for, say, a FEW years before the boat would even get to the Island) and somehow figure out from them where he was currently chilling. Brilliant, no wonder you got so rich selling pregnancy tests. Maybe if you had never been estranged from your daughter she could have shared with you her secret technology of FUCKING RADAR.
D. So I think it's clear by now that these new Separatist-types, the poorly-flirting bounty hunter and her boyfriend Kubiak, are Scientologists. Tom Cruise lies in the shadow of the statue, Miles. They don't pay you money, you give them all your money in exchange for a total destruction of your social image.
II. The Circle Of Trust, And By Trust I Mean Something Sarcastic That Completely Alienates Me From Everyone
A. Let's discuss, briefly, how lame superheros would be in the LOST universe. Why do they turn into lame-asses on the Island? Have none of them read Crime & Punishment?! Ubermensch, dammit! (C&P is about superheroes, right? I read the illustrated Cliff Notes)
1. Walt, now a 38-year-old high schooler, apparently never entered the age at which is it commonplace (by comic book standards) for superheroes to be total dicks with their powers. Yet all his bird-bombing, bear-conjuring, Shining-esque powers don't seem to be making him a BMOC at the prep school his single grandmother can apparently afford (unless perhaps he's being trained at Sky High)
2. Locke's super-regeneration, reincarnation, look-into-the-eye-of-this Island business hasn't scored him anything more than a new smug grin and a new pair of loafers.
3. Miles, who has a detailed history of using his ghost-whispering for personal profit (except when he's having a "change of heart" so he can use the poor sports dad as a surrogate to yell at his own father), has now spent THREE YEARS IN THE PAST without using it for anything of note? Moreover, the people who traveled back in time with you don't have a clue? Unless you're putting on a mask and going out to speak to the dead by cover of night, this is weak.
B. It's also worth pointing out that Miles isn't getting any action. Jin has been busy learning English and (foolishly) pining for his lost wife. Daniel clearly got as creeped out by li'l Charlotte as the rest of us did, and he hopped the first sub. Sawyer and Juliet were the other normal folks and they were sharing a bed before "James" could come up with a catchy nickname (or maybe he just thought "Squareface" wouldn't be appropriate right away). Miles is a single man of unknown orientation whose repression over his father and repression over his unspoken connection with the dead are probably not even the most pressing day-to-day void in his life. The man is ready to explode.
C. No, sure, go ahead and have your private, secret-dropping conversation about Ben, Sayid and wiping the security tapes over a 1977 walkie talkie. I'm sure that technology is advanced enough to be encrypted. And that no one else was holding a radio at the time.
D. Entering the circle of trust for Horace means access to a vehicle and not asking questions. So Horace is basically Dharma's version of a 15-year-old looking for beer and/or drugs. No, I'm sure the first guy you see who isn't LaFleur is a natural, trustworthy substitute for LaFleur. After all, he's the most trustworthy guy in the room who isn't you. Go for it, you idiot.
E. You can tell Miles is sarcastic because he says things like "By _, you mean _" except that they totally didn't mean the second blank and it is instead something insulting or facetious he inserted! This guy must have trained at the foot of the master. Could he be any more predictable?
F. The head of security job was supposed to be a way for Sawyer to keep his thumb on all the operations and secrets around the compound for the benefit of himself and his friends/allies. Yet Asian Deputy #2 can speak to the dead, and he didn't figure this out for three years. It took Hurley one afternoon (two if you count their time-travel vaudeville act). If Hurley is supposed to be the voice of the audience, what is it saying when he turns out to be smarter than EVERYONE?
G. Speaking of Hurley, he's one slip of the tongue away from weighing bear shit for knowing about the body, but the random foot soldiers at The Orchid have the clearance level so they're ok to know about it? Oh, ok, maybe if you keep referring to it as "The Package" they won't notice that it's shaped like a human body. "Ouyat wotay, ovemay hetay ackagepay." Top secret!
H. I don't think it's weird that you named your Asian son Miles when there was another Asian guy named Miles living in the same relatively small community where you plan on raising your kid. After all, your name is Pierre, and clearly you wish to inflict the same childhood mockery that you endured on your own boy. What I DO think is weird is that you named your Asian son Miles when there was another Asian guy named Miles living in the same relatively small community where you plan on raising your kid AND NOBODY HAS EVER TALKED ABOUT IT BEFORE. Once again, Supergenius Hurley to the rescue. He's still in the kitchen? If he ever learns to walk around with his hands in his pockets, Horace's days in the top job are numbered! Well, more numbered than they already would be by the impending mass murder.
I. Or maybe I jumped the gun on Hurley's intelligence if his first thought in the time travel discovery was "no more Ewoks."
J. Hey everybody, I'm back from the pedophile rehabilitation clinic! What's been going on without me?