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This week: There's not much bad to say about the final 2/3 of "There's No Place Like Home", but I give it my best shot anyway.

LOST, Season 4, Episodes 13 & 14
There’s No Place Like Home (pts 2 & 3)

I. The Future They Create

A. What about Locke’s reppaearance off the island makes it important to call him “Jeremy Bentham” at every opportunity? You’re adding five syllables to the name of a guy who’s had one name for the entirety of your time together (like Ghandi or Cher), and now you can’t even call him Locke when he’s dead and gone and you’re standing on an airfield (where I presume you both came for the utmost privacy, because not every rescued castaway has a plane fetish). That’s a pretty extreme measure to keep your secret. Besides, anyone who overhears you would probably think you’re talking about a philosopher.

B. What’s different about Locke off the Island that makes everyone think he’s crazy? Specifically, why didn’t they think he was crazy ON the Island? Granted, Jack and others brushed him off quite a bit, but it was more like a “he has a point but I don’t want to hear it” dismissal. Now they’re all like, “he’s batshit nuts, case closed.” Does he somehow seem less believable when he’s taken a shower?

C. Ok, so killing your stepdad, finding out he was your real dad, being rejected by your mother, accidentally killing your childhood love, knocking out and abandoning your new husband, robbing a bank, running from the feds, crashing on an island, watching your fellow castaways die, getting kidnapped by the Others and getting caught up in all the twists and turns of the Island as well as a grinding love triangle with Sawyer and Dr. Crazybeard, none of that is particularly traumatizing. But watching the freighter explode and watching the Island vanish is something that’s taken Kate three years to get over?

D. Teenage Emo Walt needs to start getting out of the house. He’s at the age where his Spidey-sense can start exploring the space a little and he can go do things himself (instead of waiting for the world to come to him). Of COURSE no one wants to see Walt when he ages this quickly. It’s creepy. I’d be checking for gray hairs myself after chatting with him for two minutes.

II. The Beach, The Boat And The Bomb

A. When Sun told Michael she was pregnant, he looked like he was trying to count how many months it has been since he left. You can’t blame him – his first son picked him up as a struggling artist and left him as a janitor playing double agent on a cargo ship. Who knows what adventures a second kid might get him in.

B. How does Michael suddenly become Black MacGuyver (BlacGuyver?) and think to freeze the battery? Where was that resilience on the Island? I didn’t see his ass making any coconut radios.

C. For all the smarminess and secrets, Miles almost completely redeemed himself by calling out Charlotte for wanting to “get back” to the Island. Obviously he’d been sitting on that one for a while, too, considering how long their team had known each other.

D. It figures that when Charlotte was finally looking for an excuse to stay, she turned to some vague, inarguable rationale like “what if I told you I still haven’t found where I was born yet?” Either she really likes U2 or she broke up with a lot of boys in college.

E. Why is “our crew is going to kill you all” such a secretive thing to Daniel? That seems like a sure-fire way to get everyone on the boats. The current ‘squint, then look at the ground’ approach is having limited success.

F. In the heat of the moment, Desmond’s plan to evacuate the boat turned into “make sure the helicopter doesn’t land.” Certainly the sight of people jumping into life rafts wouldn’t clue them in. Granted, we are talking about a group with Jack and Kate leading the way and environmental observation hasn’t always proved to be a strong suit for them.

III. Get To The Chopper

A. What was the point of the Others using Kate as bait when they could have just used their super Whisper Attack power from the get-go? Unless they were hoping Keamy and company would have “accidentally” shot her in the process, in which case I applaud their forward thinking.

B. Of all people on the Island, Alpert Of The Undead should know to check if he actually killed someone. And with Ben’s desire to avenge his daughter, wouldn’t he want to put a bullet in the man for good measure? Have we learned nothing from the lessons of Mikhail?!

C. Naturally, Sayid knows how to co-pilot the helicopter, based on his extensive experience as a torturer and ground soldier. The man can do anything. Everyone else regrets leaving the Island, but he probably regrets leaving Jack in charge.

D. Was Sawyer previously a triathlon champion? He jumps 50 feet into water on short notice and makes it back to shore (wearing jeans, no less). He’s practically a conman version of a Navy SEAL. By the way, how did no one else particularly care that he jumped? Were they all secretly hoping he would go to prevent love triangle awkwardness on the boat ride home? After all, the “rescue” drum is one that Jack’s been beating since the beginning, so he kinda had dibs.

E. It’s no surprise that Sun was willing to jeopardize the health and safety of everyone else on the helicopter so she could get what she wanted.

IV. Benry, Locke And The Underground DeLorean

A. Apparently every season finale requires a debate on philosophy and world view between Jack and Locke. It’s like renewing their vows.

B. You have to respect Locke’s patience (or maybe just naiveté) in not pointing out to Jack how PAINFULLY right he was about their LAST world view debate. He’s wrong so often that he should revel in the fact that the boat turned out to make things worse.

C. The upside of Ben’s departure from the Island is that Locke will have no one whom he can ask retarded, simple-minded questions like “is he talking about what I think he’s talking about?” No one has any idea how you think, John, so don’t ask them to even pose a guess. You could tell at a couple points in the Orchid that Ben was definitely considering what will happen when he’s not around to lead Locke by the wrist.

Posted in: Television
Tagged: abc, lost

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