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This week: Great, just what I needed, more story complications in "Cabin Fever".

LOST, Episode 4.11

Cabin Fever

I. Locke To The Future

A. Maybe I should consult Juliet on this one, but I wasn’t aware that being six months pregnant and getting hit by a car means you have to deliver the kid immediately? I can see an emergency c-section if something went wrong with the mom, but since Mama Locke has a Claire-like dexterity and suffered little more than a scrape on the head and “getting her bell rung,” all should have been well. Of course, I’ve never been pregnant and I’ve never been struck by a car, but I didn’t know that it could shake a baby loose just like that.

B. So we all know by now that Richard Alpert is as constant as they come. He shows up everywhere, in every time period, with the same short-cropped haircut, the same upper-class clothes, the same unshaveable stubble and the same “I committed a felony and never got charged” smile. That’s not really concerning, since it could be time travel or he could just be a Highlander. What concerns me is the one time when he appeared to Young Ben with long hair and ratty clothes. How does Richard’s grunge phase fit into the Island lore?!?!

C. Rather than spending all the time and resources to monitor Locke for the time when he was ready to join the commune, why didn’t they just adopt him? Or if there was some sort of residency issue (perhaps a sexual predator accusation on Alpert based on that smile), why don’t you approach him during his 20-year “shitty jobs” phase and try to trick him that way? You know, the time when he was working as a toy store clerk in his late thirties, or maybe when he was living on a marijuana farm, or even AFTER he got paralyzed when he was working a desk job for Hurley’s box company and playing Risk on his lunch breaks? You don’t think he’d be open to a new opportunity then? “Here’s 50 grand, come to Portland.” That’s all it would take to sell him, I think.

D. When you adopt a kid just months (at the most) after his birth, wouldn’t you give him your last name? What’s up with the fam deciding to keep him as “John Locke” to honor the mom who squeezed him out three months early as a bastard and left him after he somehow managed to survive her? Were they just big philosophy fans? If they’d renamed him “John Johnson” or “John Smith” or “John Moskowitz” would he even be the Super Island Savior that God and the grill of that car decreed him to be?

II. National Lampoon’s Cabin Vacation

A. The Locke Island Leadership Era is not off to a great start when it becomes painfully obvious that neither of the two men he brought with him on this orienteering merit badge expedition were important to the cause despite his claims to the contrary. Hurley, who saw the cabin, provided nothing, as was pointed out. Ben, on the other hand, also provided nothing, but never seemed to be expected to bring something to the table to begin with despite having “spent his entire life on this Island.” During the entire hike, he was either grappling with Middle Child Syndrome or serving as a very poor Sawyer substitute for Hurley to play off.

B. I know he was on a mission and whatnot, but Locke was a little too eager to start digging in a pit of bodies that had been dead and cooking under the sun for 12 years. It’s not like it’s the ball pit at Chucky Cheese’s; even if you choose not to respect the dead, can you at least be a little squeamish about it?

C. I can buy a lot of things that happen on this show, or at least defer disbelief until I know more. I can go along with the smoke monster and the time travel and the undead resurrection of Jack’s dad. However, there is nothing any flashback can show that will convince me that a candy bar can survive for DAYS in Hurley’s pocket without getting eaten or melting into a chocolate puddle. That thing has been rubbing up against his thigh (at least) since they left the village, and he managed to ration it off until just now?

D. With Claire hanging out with undead Christian Shepard, does that make her dead? Did she get assumed into the afterword body-and-soul, Virgin-Mary-style? If so, could they make the Aaron/Jesus parallels more obvious? Why doesn’t the Island want her to raise her own kid? And why is it that Christian, dead or undead, Los Angeles or Australia or Fantasy Island, has to get up in EVERYBODY else’s shit? I mean, what example does he set as the voice of reason? Who would want to follow the words of a alcoholic surgeon who makes destructive personal decis...actually, uh, scratch that.

III. The S.S. Minnow

A. Has Keamy been in charge this whole time or did he just declare martial law once things got heavy? The whole power structure on the boat makes no sense whatsoever, and considering past analogies to middle school, I’d blame it on a faulty student council system. The Captain is the cool but inept president and Keamy is the overambitious VP who lost the president election by a few votes and was waiting for his chance to seize control. Back when they first arrived in the area, he was yukking it up with his fellow camo-and-ammo junkies and having a grand old time. Now he’s suddenly got the reigns at a time when half of the crew has gone bonkers and everyone’s ok with that?

B. You want to know how that guy died? Because you spent hours trying to treat him on the deck instead of taking him to the infirmary, doc. He rode however many hours in a helicopter after being slammed to the ground, but suddenly it was critical that you not move him to anyplace with more supplies or perhaps the slightest bit of privacy. It’s a wonder that so many people ended up dead under your watchful eye.

C. Couldn’t Desmond have mentioned his cold feet about an Island return sooner? Why not wait until Sayid’s already in the boat? He probably would have understood if you told him right away, especially if you remind him of the part where your last trip made you go time-crazy. Plus there’s the whole thing about the boat being barely larger than a waterpark innertube, so any extra space he can save would be helpful. After all, he is probably expecting to drive Hurley back at one point.

D. Everyone seemed awfully interested in the iPod that Keamy had strapped to his arm. Definitely not worth getting shot over, Cap. The guy just wants to listen to some satellite radio while he’s committing genocide. You can’t blame him, really.

Posted in: Television
Tagged: abc, lost

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