This week: Michael
Finally Openly Gay Tom implores
us to Meet Kevin Johnson.
Season 4, Episode 8:
A. Why won’t the
Island let Michael kill himself, but it lets Mr. Eko get smacked to death by
Smokey? The guy is thousands of miles away, not even thinking about
screwing up Island business, and he can’t even run his car into a port container
in peace. Does he just have to wait until he’s in a biplane that falls off
a cliff? Maybe he can wander around the rainy jungle until someone
accidentally shoots him.
B. Are we
sure that was Walt in the window of Michael’s mom’s house? For one, he
looked sort of like young Eko. For another, he looked too young to
actually be Walt at the rate that kid’s been growing. It was probably one
of Walt’s kids, since he’s probably 35 and finishing up a lucrative NBA career.
C. Where has Tom
been hiding all those plus-size Bruce Wayne clothes? He walked around on
the Island looking like a farmer stuck in the wrong season, now he’s lighting up
Manhattan with a sharp wardrobe, playing sugar daddy for some local art student
and billing room service caviar to a Dharma (or Benry) corporate account.
I’m not entirely sure how this guy manages (well, manage-d) to survive on the
Island wearing flannel and the only beard on the show that looked faker than
D. Further proof
that Tom is apparently better suited for some New-York-power-broker-douchebag
lifestyle: He uses phrases like “It’s game time!” to encourage Michael to
board a boat and kill everyone so a billionaire doesn’t find the Island that his
fellow survivors of a plane crash are on. I don’t think “game time”
adequately captures the situation.
E. So Michael is
committed enough to redeeming himself that he’d assume a fake identity and fly
to Fiji so he can become a deckhand on a mystery freighter and plan to murder
the entire crew. Yet, at the same time, he’s skittish enough that three
minutes of small talk about poker, accents and lying is enough to spook him from
going through with his mission. If you know the guy’s address in
Manhattan, or if you remember how he was on the Island, you shouldn’t be
surprised by this, so why arm him with the bomb equivalent of a toy gun that
shoots a “Bang!” flag?
F. For a man
who’s living in secrecy every second of his life on that boat, Michael certainly
likes to speak about identity-sensitive things very loudly. Even if the
rooms are completely soundproof, is it really necessary to shout “IT’S NOT A
BOMB!”? What cover could you possibly have for that situation? Maybe
Michael is like that old Will Ferrell character and CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF
HIS VOICE, YOU ASS. THAT WAS UNDER HIS BREATH.
The People’s Republic of Locke & The Love Boat, If By Love You Mean Crazy
A. When it came
time to call the ol’ Lockeville Council of Elders together, who pulled THAT
motley crew together? Hurley, Claire, Sawyer, Rousseau, Alex and Carl?
No way that’s a Jacob list; it seems like John just went out and found everyone
whose name he could remember off the top of his head. Hurley has
demonstrated that he shouldn’t keep any secrets, Rousseau has shown that she
can’t be relied upon for anything, and Carl’s resume involved getting
brainwashed and paddling a boat. A good leader is supposed to surround
himself with smart people, Commandant Locke, and I guess it comes as a surprise
to nobody that you’re not a good leader.
B. Speaking of
good leaders, Captain Freighterpants probably needs to delegate the asskickings.
The figurehead of a ship should have a little more diplomacy than to browbeat
the crew on your own. What did you hire the muscleheaded guy who wears
tank tops all the time for? Clearly not for his smarts, since this was the
guy skeet-shooting with a spray-firing gun.
C. Benry trying
to send his extended family away to safety would be really touching if you
didn’t realize that neither hell nor high water had ever led him to let any of
them be together without his oversight in the 16 years since Alex was born.
If that’s not enough of a red flag, how about him saying “hey, you go be safe
while I sit here and wait for danger”? When has that line of thinking EVER
seemed appropriate for him? He may as well have just been straight up with
the girl and said “hey, go into the jungle with these two people whom I would
like to see dead.” Lo and behold, they’re dead. Benry was probably just
trying to kill off all the hangers-on to his throne, so that when he uses his
massive (apparent) wealth and connections to whisk Alex over to the mainland and
repackage her as Amy Winehouse, all the cash would flow right back to him.
D. For all the
straight thinking that Sayid does, being the only logical person, blah blah
blah, he certainly like to talk in circles. “Explain to me how you got to
be on this boat” works just as well when it’s phrased as “How did you get here?”
Six less words, like a good second or so saved – Desmond can tell you about how
precious time is nowadays. Now that Sayid realized he’s probably the
smartest guy around, he’s letting it go to his head and he has to waste valuable
time trying to out-talk everyone else.
E. Sayid also
managed to get possessed by Chuckles for the moment, deciding to screw up
Michael’s plans within about five minutes of hearing them. Couldn’t it
have done you SOME good to hear the man out? The Captain shows you a black
box and tells a story about a plane crash and suddenly you forget the “Don’t
Trust The Captain” note that was slipped under your door? Yes, Michael
turned his back on everyone and left the Island with his son, but he also shot
the chick who shot your old girlfriend. I’m not saying you owe him, but let’s
not get all upset because he’s running a little game on the side.
F. Speaking of
betrayal, Alex just watched her boy and her estranged mom get shot, and her
first thought is to save her own life by working as a bargaining chip against
her father, the only long-term family member she’s ever had. I hope she
just realized what a life with only Benry would turn out to be and acted out
against that reality. Otherwise, she clearly didn’t inherit the ice-water
veins that her pops is sporting. Maybe he should have left her in the
brainwashing room for a little while or added “by the way, don’t fold like a bad
hand of poker when you get a little pressure applied.”