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This week: Michael returns and Potentially Finally Openly Gay Tom implores us to Meet Kevin Johnson.

LOST, Season 4, Episode 8: Meet Kevin Johnson  

I. Michael  

A. Why won’t the Island let Michael kill himself, but it lets Mr. Eko get smacked to death by Smokey?  The guy is thousands of miles away, not even thinking about screwing up Island business, and he can’t even run his car into a port container in peace.  Does he just have to wait until he’s in a biplane that falls off a cliff?  Maybe he can wander around the rainy jungle until someone accidentally shoots him.  

B.  Are we sure that was Walt in the window of Michael’s mom’s house?  For one, he looked sort of like young Eko.  For another, he looked too young to actually be Walt at the rate that kid’s been growing.  It was probably one of Walt’s kids, since he’s probably 35 and finishing up a lucrative NBA career.   

C. Where has Tom been hiding all those plus-size Bruce Wayne clothes?  He walked around on the Island looking like a farmer stuck in the wrong season, now he’s lighting up Manhattan with a sharp wardrobe, playing sugar daddy for some local art student and billing room service caviar to a Dharma (or Benry) corporate account.  I’m not entirely sure how this guy manages (well, manage-d) to survive on the Island wearing flannel and the only beard on the show that looked faker than Jack’s.   

D. Further proof that Tom is apparently better suited for some New-York-power-broker-douchebag lifestyle:  He uses phrases like “It’s game time!” to encourage Michael to board a boat and kill everyone so a billionaire doesn’t find the Island that his fellow survivors of a plane crash are on.  I don’t think “game time” adequately captures the situation.  

E. So Michael is committed enough to redeeming himself that he’d assume a fake identity and fly to Fiji so he can become a deckhand on a mystery freighter and plan to murder the entire crew.  Yet, at the same time, he’s skittish enough that three minutes of small talk about poker, accents and lying is enough to spook him from going through with his mission.  If you know the guy’s address in Manhattan, or if you remember how he was on the Island, you shouldn’t be surprised by this, so why arm him with the bomb equivalent of a toy gun that shoots a “Bang!” flag?  

F. For a man who’s living in secrecy every second of his life on that boat, Michael certainly likes to speak about identity-sensitive things very loudly.  Even if the rooms are completely soundproof, is it really necessary to shout “IT’S NOT A BOMB!”?  What cover could you possibly have for that situation?  Maybe Michael is like that old Will Ferrell character and CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE, YOU ASS.  THAT WAS UNDER HIS BREATH.  

II.  The People’s Republic of Locke & The Love Boat, If By Love You Mean Crazy  

A. When it came time to call the ol’ Lockeville Council of Elders together, who pulled THAT motley crew together?  Hurley, Claire, Sawyer, Rousseau, Alex and Carl?  No way that’s a Jacob list; it seems like John just went out and found everyone whose name he could remember off the top of his head.  Hurley has demonstrated that he shouldn’t keep any secrets, Rousseau has shown that she can’t be relied upon for anything, and Carl’s resume involved getting brainwashed and paddling a boat.  A good leader is supposed to surround himself with smart people, Commandant Locke, and I guess it comes as a surprise to nobody that you’re not a good leader.   

B. Speaking of good leaders, Captain Freighterpants probably needs to delegate the asskickings.  The figurehead of a ship should have a little more diplomacy than to browbeat the crew on your own.  What did you hire the muscleheaded guy who wears tank tops all the time for?  Clearly not for his smarts, since this was the guy skeet-shooting with a spray-firing gun.   

C. Benry trying to send his extended family away to safety would be really touching if you didn’t realize that neither hell nor high water had ever led him to let any of them be together without his oversight in the 16 years since Alex was born.  If that’s not enough of a red flag, how about him saying “hey, you go be safe while I sit here and wait for danger”?  When has that line of thinking EVER seemed appropriate for him?  He may as well have just been straight up with the girl and said “hey, go into the jungle with these two people whom I would like to see dead.”  Lo and behold, they’re dead. Benry was probably just trying to kill off all the hangers-on to his throne, so that when he uses his massive (apparent) wealth and connections to whisk Alex over to the mainland and repackage her as Amy Winehouse, all the cash would flow right back to him.  

D. For all the straight thinking that Sayid does, being the only logical person, blah blah blah, he certainly like to talk in circles.  “Explain to me how you got to be on this boat” works just as well when it’s phrased as “How did you get here?”  Six less words, like a good second or so saved – Desmond can tell you about how precious time is nowadays.  Now that Sayid realized he’s probably the smartest guy around, he’s letting it go to his head and he has to waste valuable time trying to out-talk everyone else.  

E. Sayid also managed to get possessed by Chuckles for the moment, deciding to screw up Michael’s plans within about five minutes of hearing them.  Couldn’t it have done you SOME good to hear the man out?  The Captain shows you a black box and tells a story about a plane crash and suddenly you forget the “Don’t Trust The Captain” note that was slipped under your door?  Yes, Michael turned his back on everyone and left the Island with his son, but he also shot the chick who shot your old girlfriend. I’m not saying you owe him, but let’s not get all upset because he’s running a little game on the side.  

F. Speaking of betrayal, Alex just watched her boy and her estranged mom get shot, and her first thought is to save her own life by working as a bargaining chip against her father, the only long-term family member she’s ever had.  I hope she just realized what a life with only Benry would turn out to be and acted out against that reality.  Otherwise, she clearly didn’t inherit the ice-water veins that her pops is sporting.  Maybe he should have left her in the brainwashing room for a little while or added “by the way, don’t fold like a bad hand of poker when you get a little pressure applied.”

Posted in: Television
Tagged: abc, lost

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