The reviews are in, and its even worse than we feared. When your major reboot is coming in below the universally reviled Pixels, its time to stop.
Seriously, just stop.
You just don't get the Fantastic Four.
You've had three shots at it and each one has been worse than the one before.
The concept is pretty simple really.
A brilliant scientist - his
best friend - the woman he loves - and her fiery-tempered kid brother! Together
they braved the unknown terrors of outer space, and were changed by cosmic rays
into something more than merely human! Mr. Fantastic! The Thing! The Invisible
Woman! The Human Torch! Leading lives both of an ordinary family and as famous
celebrities - they are mankind's premiere explorers - and the world will never
be the same again!
See, it's all right there.
Now, I'm okay with the updating of the origin story. The 60s Cold War space race hasn't aged well. I'm also okay with Sue not being simply Reed's girlfriend.
Beyond that, Fantastic Four is the furthest thing from a Fantastic Four movie.
It's like y'all had a sci-fi script (I'm guessing it was Josh Trank's) sitting around and you realized you were on the clock to make an FF movie before the rights reverted to Marvel.
Quicker than you can say "Clobberin' Time" you've shoehorned parts of Quantum Leap, Stargate and the names of the FF into the sequel to Chronicle and released it in time to hold the rights and further scuttle the brand so when/if they do revert to Marvel the characters will be hopelessly tainted.
The less said about your treatment of Doctor Doom the better.
If you were planning on seeing this movie...DON'T! It's awful.
On the other hand, the release of Fantastic Four gives us a chance to highlight the new Invisible Woman.
Say hello to Kate Mara.
Ms. Mara has the unenviable task of following up Jessica Alba's wooden performance as Susan Storm in the two previous Fantastic Four movies.
Ms. Mara's Sue is a scientist who is a whiz at pattern recognition. She's also a big Portishead fan. That's what makes her cool and the object of Reed's awkward obsessions.
You may recognize Ms. Mara from her previous work in House of Cards, American Horror Story, Shooter and Transcendence.
Of course, FF is not her first turn in the spandex.
She's previously appeared in the Tim Allen superhero vehicle Zoom.
Remember that one?
She'll be seen next in the Matt Damon movie, The Martian.
Or maybe she won't.
See what I did there?
Let's hit the links.
Making Machine-Gun Bacon with Ted Cruz
The road is Dick Dale's life support (aka, Tour or Die)
Keith Richards still thinks Sgt. Pepper is rubbish
And finally, a parting message from Jon Stewart (NSFW)