Meet the new folks, same as the old folks (in other words, they’re just as
retarded as everyone else on the Island).
LOST, Episode 4.02
I. Chip & Dale’s
Not-Exactly-Rescue Rangers And The Oceanic Plane That Took Its Name A Little Too
A. I’d appreciate if the flashbacks
could show some sort of character development. That peek into Daniel’s life
showed us nothing except he cries at the television. So unless Daniel is like
the overemotional aunt who gets worked up over Extreme Makeover or Wheel of
Fortune, I would like to get a little more insight on him next time,
B. That plane seems remarkably
intact and recognizable for having plunged into the equivalent of an underground
C. Why were they so remarkably
unprepared for a helicopter-grounding electrical storm? If you’ve got a
freighter out in the middle of nowhere trying to track Fantasy Island, then I
feel like you should know a little bit about the
super-magnetic-crazy-glowing-purple-sky shit that pretty much defines the
place. The two things you should be prepared for above all else would be
electrical storms and a giant smoke-beast. If one of you dies via the Security
System, you are certified idiots.
D. What part of Naomi’s helicopter
having a meltdown and crashing inspired so much confidence in these geniuses
that they decided to send a whopping four people with the second
E. If Naomi was the de facto leader
of this band of misfits, why did she, of all people, go to the Island on her
own? And if she knew how to fly a helicopter (albeit not well, but clearly no
worse than Captain Ron), what was the point of having a pilot on the team to
F. Two ways you know Daniel will
fit in on the island:
1. He came
ready-made with a handgun tucked into the crack of his ass, just like everyone
clearly should not be in possession of said gun…just like everyone
G. Is the Ragin’ Asian a genuine
Ghost Whisperer, or just one of those fools on the Sci-Fi Channel? Is a
dustbuster all it takes to call up the spirits of the deceased? If so, should I
be concerned about vacuuming? The carpet in my apartment is pretty
H. Is it just coincidence that the
woman who the Ragin’ Asian swindled had heroin hidden in the walls and pictures
of a kid that looked like Mr. Eko (he of the heroin-smuggling missionary plane)
hanging on them? What could Eko possibly be doing in America, besides building
churches on Mom’s front lawn and carving scripture into his Little League
I. When Naomi died, did they
replace her with some Madame Toussad’s wax figure of herself?
J. Yes, of course, a polar bear
with a Dharma collar. On the northern coast of Africa. Being excavated after
several hundred, if not thousand, years. This makes perfect sense. It’s all
coming together. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my brain is
K. Rather than kill of Tom just to
bring back a poor-man’s version of Tom in Frank, couldn’t we have just kept
Tom? He seemed more interesting, plus he might have been gay, which opens the
shows appeal up to new demographics. The only new viewer Frank is going to
attract is Dog The Bounty Hunter.
L. Forget this bullshit about the
ring, Captain Ron. Why don’t you point out how the body of your pilot friend
looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings?
M. If I narrowly missed getting on
a flight that disappeared and killed everyone involved, I would be doing
backflips across Los Angeles, not descending into a Jimmy-Buffet-induced madness
for some Bahamian tourism company. But maybe I’m just an asshole.
N. How did Captain Ron bust his
head and his iPhone when he put the helicopter down intact? That must have been
one hell of a dismount.
O. Diet Eko was awfully convinced
of there being no survivors on the plane for a man who went to the trouble of
strong-arming Future Hurley into saying whether or not “they” were still
P. You’ve got a licensed pilot who
managed to save your helicopter and put it down safely in the face of a huge
storm…and yet Sayid is the guy who needs to check the thing out for
damage. Sure, the guy’s an Iraqi MacGuyver, but there’s a more qualified guy on
the scene, no?
Q. Minkowski’s job revolves around
the five people who went onto the island, including the now-dead one. He’s on
the ship waiting for the latest news on how the ACTUAL PURPOSE OF HIS JOB is
coming along. He currently exists for no reason other than to answer the
phone…and yet he’s having a receptionist screen his calls.
R. So if Ben’s the purpose of their
mission, I hope part of that mission involves getting a photo of the man where
he isn’t dressed like an Oompa Loompa and leering like the creepy tech guy. I’m
not saying they need a Glamour Shot of the man, but if you’ve done enough
research to find him on an unfindable Island, you should be able to get a
clearer shot. Check his MySpace or something, shit.
II. Soon-To-Be-Crazy Jack and
The Currently-Crazy Brand Of Idiots Who Continue To Follow Jack’s Leadership And
Expect Different Results Than Before
A. This is the part of the show
where the Adam and Eve of LOST ruin what little leadership credentials they had
remaining. Some 98-pound scientist in a tie falls out of the sky with a crate
full of gas masks, a gun tucked in his ass and no apparent skill in handling
himself socially. There are two of you, and you’d probably rank on the Top 5
list of tough Island folks, for better or worse. You’ve spent most of your time
here kicking ass or having your ass kicked. When Bud Bundy starts waffling on
your questions, would it kill you to put en elbow on his chest and squeeze out
B. Why does he get let off the
hook when someone else shows up on radar? You still have to walk over and find
the other person – can’t the conversation continue during the stroll? All you
do on the island is walk around and shoot the shit. Nobody’s learned to
multitask? More importantly, it’s good to know that, despite searching for
answers since Day 1, these two dipshits are content with letting the issue die
just because they have to go hike somewhere. This delayed gratification crap is
for the birds.
C. How did no one on the beach see
the chopper approach? It flew over the cockpit, which was within five minutes
of the beach (just like every other major landmark on the island, of course). I
get the feeling Sayid was used to detecting aircraft overhead in his previous
life. The man’s done everything short of turning into The Professor and making
a radio out of a coconut, and he wasn’t on the ball here?
D. Were I to be Sayid (a boy can
dream), if Juliet looked me in the eye and asked me how many guns we had left, I
wouldn’t slap the taste out of her mouth but I sure as hell would want to do
it. We (and by we I mean the two of them, Sawyer, Hurley and the Mystery
Machine OF DOOM) killed like 43 Others and took all their guns no less than 24
Island hours ago. The number of guns you have when you ask that stupid question
is exactly the same as the number of guns you had yesterday when you helped
collect them. What the hell did she think he did with their new armory? Is
there an Island pawn shop I’m not aware of? Is the local police department
running a firearm exchange program somewhere?
E. Also, when you DID show up on
the scene, you were each holding the same gun that you had the LAST time you
needed to hold someone at gunpoint. Not like either of you needed the
Rambo-style cache of weaponry.
F. Did nobody notice Kelvin’s
(Hatch dude before Desmond, the one Desmond killed) body out there on the flats
where they found the Ragin’ Asian? Of course, if they didn’t that would be a
shock to no one, because he probably came back to life and ran off in the jungle
to join all of the other Walking Undead. Seriously, Boone and Shannon look like
total pansies right now.
G. One benefit of Jack was learning
from his own mistakes and using the same “you’re surrounded” trick that Tom
Friendly used on them way back when. He didn’t quite have the same flair that
the Others did, though. Pretty much everything Jack does is a ham-handed
version of another, better idea, so this is not surprising.
III. Swiss Family Locke
A. If you have to take a hiking
break so your leader can stand out in the rain by himself for 10 minutes or so,
you’re probably going to question your decision of which side to go with. Then
you remember that the other option involved enduring another chapter in the
Jack/Kate Dawson’s Creek bullshit, and rainy-face Locke doesn’t seem so
B. Somewhere between Locke’s
history of working in a box company, working in a toy store, getting swindled
out of a kidney and accidentally betraying a marijuana farm co-op, I doubt he
found the time to attend a leadership seminar. Hence why he always walks around
assuming everyone will follow him because he’s right, instead of actually giving
them confidence in trusting your judgment. Half of the camp just threw a middle
finger up at the only guy who’s led them in the past 3 ½ months, and the first
thing you do as their new figurehead is take a rain shower and tell everyone
that you’re not leading them where you said you were going to lead them. While
this could lead to an astounding political career once you accidentally leave
this place, it’s definitely cramping your rep as Island Jesus.
C. When Hurley accidentally
name-dropped Jacob’s cabin, were Benry and Locke both planning on how to lure
hum out to the Dharma pit for the ol’ gunshot-to-the-midsection trick? Would
the bullet go all the way through on Hurley? More importantly, if Walt appears
to him and inspires him to crawl out, would he even be able to, or would it just
be awkward for everyone?
D. I don’t care what fancy
bird-killing, polar-bear-conjuring powers Walt has, John. Don’t tell everyone
you’re taking orders from a 12-year-old. Again, it’s not inspiring a lot of
confidence among the underlings.
E. You’d think that Locke and
Sawyer would get along better, having bonded over their lives being ruined by
the same guy…and then over collaborating to kill that guy. But it’s nice of the
show to use their conversation as an excuse to hastily answer burning questions
like “Why did Walt look older?” and “Why is Locke not feeling the effects of the
gunshot?” Now try explaining why Tall Walt had the beginnings of a dirtstache
developing on that upper lip, LOST! What kind of Island hoodoo causes
F. Interesting that Sawyer was more
perturbed by Walt being tall than by the prospect that he helped John despite
having driven away on a boat like, a month or so ago. Also, not to rain on the
visionary parade, Locke, but anyone would look taller when you’re looking up at
them from the bottom of a death pit.
G. At this point, you have to think
that Benry’s got some masochistic tendencies; I’ve never seen someone openly
solicit so many asskickings. He’s got to be enjoying them by now, in some sick
H. That’s messed up that they’d
sacrifice Vincent to fool the other folks. Couldn’t they tie the transponder to
a tree? Didn’t Vincent choose to stay on the Island just like everyone
else? What if Vincent becomes part of the Oceanic Six now?
I. It’s really great that you guys
stepped up security in the wake of Naomi getting killed…and then Naomi
escaping. I mean, Benry’s a pretty volatile guy and it’s important that you
keep an eye on him and make sure he’s not within arm’s reach of a gu- oh wait,
he just shot someone. You’ve got a lot of people in this posse, can someone
PLEASE be given the title of “Person Who Makes Sure Benry Doesn’t Fuck Shit
Up?” Someone OTHER than Rousseau? You know that somebody’s free now, because
whoever was keeping an eye on Vincent suddenly has some more free time on their
hands. Now they can hold a different leash.
J. Next time someone breaks down
and starts kicking Benry’s ass, don’t bother hitting him in the face – it
clearly isn’t working. Just break his hand, for pete’s sake.
K. Benry has pretty much been the
bane of all your existences since he came into your lives, but everyone in camp
was fighting you over trying to kill him, Locke. Maybe if you hadn’t acted
batshit crazy in your first few hours of leadership, they would have been more
keen to the execution. You gotta build some trust before you murder someone in
cold blood, you know?
L. Of all the things to drop at the
last minute to save your life, Benry, I think the “man on their boat” thing is a
little lackluster. Clearly, this advantage hasn’t exactly been paying in