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This week:  Hurley goes Abbie Hoffman as part of The Oceanic Six in “The Beginning Of The End.” 

LOST, Episode 4.01
The Beginning Of The End

I. Up Next At The Los Angeles Blues Festival, Huge Reyes And The Oceanic Six!

A. How can a car that low to the ground drive that fast with a driver that big? The shocks on that machine have to be incredible. There’s no way it gets even remotely off the ground on that jump without rocket boosters or Flubber.

B. At first you think it’s a little concerning that Future Jack (Fack) is drinking at what seems like such an early hour, but on second thought, it’s more concerning that he’s bothering to add orange juice.

C. Scariest aspect of the world that Future Hurley (Futurley) inhabits: denim jackets back in style. By the way, not to make an obvious joke, but that’s a lot of fucking denim.

D. Are The Oceanic Six the only people who got off the island, or does it refer to something else? They sound more like a band or a group of bankrobbers. If only six people made it off the island, who might the other three be?         

          1. Desmond (odds: 3/2) He’s got to see Penny and evolve into a millionaire with his brilliant psychic/suicide hotline business endeavor         

          2. Rose & ‘Nards (odds: 10/1) She’s cancer-free on the island, she loves staring at the ocean and she probably doesn’t care for the bullshit of city life. He’s a pansy and will do whatever she says.         

          3. Sawyer (odds 8/1) The man came to the island with a vendetta, a clean shaven face and the early stages of a mullet. The island has given him revenge, piece of mind, a whole crop of naive twits for him to con, ass from a girl he had no business getting and a perpetual rugged stubble to ensure continued ass-getting. The man couldn’t have more reason for staying if that bomb-in-your-heart trick that Benry pulled on him was real.         

          4. Locke (odds 2/3) Sure, he SEEMS like the least likely, but this show loves to fuck with people and because Locke has yet to succeed at doing anything right.

E. Would it have killed him to acknowledge to the cop that he knew Ana Lucia? Wouldn’t that have helped his case? Clearly, Hugo, the Unnecessary Secrets policy that you picked up on the Island has led you to a pretty screwed-up place in your life, so there’s really no reason to stick to your guns now. Principle is no excuse for being a dumbass.

F. What’s with Diet Eko (now with less fat!), the “Oceanic lawyer” guy? Since the show has made every effort to kill off any and all African-American characters (save Rose, who gets a pass because Nards’ glaring whiteness rubs off on her), how soon will it be before this guy dies? 

G. Also, I haven’t done a lot of research on protocol at mental health facilities, but “oh by the way, you have a visitor” seems like a pretty lackadaisical method of getting that info to the patient. If I was Diet Eko, I would be pissed that I spent 20 minutes looking at that damn chess board before anyone got around to telling Futurley that I was there.

H. It’s a testament to Chuckles’ legacy that even his ghost can inspire unassuming folks to go batshit crazy with minimal provocation on his part. Even in death, he continues to do what he always did best: screwing up the lives of everyone he meets. Kudos to you, Undead Chuckles; may you continue to make everyone else (myself included) miserable. Also, congrats on the haircut.

I. If the other inmate saw Undead Chuckles, does that make him real? If so, how did he get on the grounds so easily? Did the nurse not get around to telling Futurley he had a visitor yet?

J. Nice to know that Fack attends consultation meetings without shaving – I prefer to have the man working on my spine to be unshaven and smelling of vodka. Really calms the nerves. Also, after spending three months without a razor, you’d think the guy would be clean shaven 24/7.

K. Again with the Unnecessary Secrets Policy! What are Fack and Futurely hiding? And if I’m supposed to believe that everyone who got off the Island are keeping this huge secret from the rest of the world, what kind of drugs do they have Kate on to keep her from blabbing? That woman couldn’t hide something from a blind and deaf man. She tells EVERY secret she’s ever asked to keep. And now she’s supposed to stay quiet about something? Is it because they put her in a fancy Beamer? Expunged criminal record? What in the world is keeping Kate from spoiling everything the way she ALWAYS does?

 II. Jack, Locke, The Hatfields, The McCoys, Naomi Of The Dead, Henry Gale Redux, The Offshore Freighter Pirates (Of The Caribbean?), Dr. Jacob Shepard & THE LINE IN THE SAND.

A. No one felt like giving the beach folks a buzz after the climatic “we’re getting saved” call? Were they too busy standing around watching Locke run away?

B. Was the purpose of last season’s finale to completely neuter Jack? Because it worked; I can’t take anything he says or does seriously. Hey, it’s cool that you looked hard in front of Benry or Locke, but somewhere down the road your life is in shambles and everything you thought turned out to be wrong, so I’m having a hard time staying on your side.

C. Rousseau gets a lot of responsibility among the Lostaways despite being a fucking lunatic. Let’s look at the qualifications she has for being the person who guards Benry (aka the most dangerous man that any of these poor suckers know at the moment):                   

          1. She spent 16 years being Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.         

          2. She killed the previous group of people she had been with.                  

          3. She routinely vanishes to pursue her own agenda.

          4. She has some sort of emotional history with Ben (at least more of a history than anyone else could claim)    

          5. She just reunited with the daughter who had been stolen from her 16 years ago (apparently they already managed to catch up on missed time).

D. Ok, Naomi has a giant-ass hunting knife in her back. She’s *probably* dead. But on this Island of all damn places, *probably* dead translates to “100% alive.”

E. I’m not suggesting that any of the Lostaways are, you know, successful spinal surgeons (because how often do you find one of those, right?), but could the chick get the bayonet removed from her vertebrae? Maybe you could at least roll her over, give her a cursory check, make sure she’s not, you know, still breathing? She did bring the iPhone that “saved” your sorry asses. Give her a little dignity.F. Giving Hurley the Baywatch-style slow-motion beach run is just cruel. To everyone.

G. NO ONE looked at Naomi? She was right by Benry, how was NO ONE watching Benry? Were you all that confident in the twine they used to strap him down? Where the hell did Rousseau go? Was she busy tracking the trail of a girl who didn’t escape yet? Is anyone surprised that Frenchie didn’t live up to her responsibility? Thank God this woman has access to guns and explosives.

H. Benry with power was ok, but kind of a douche from time to time. Benry without power is a dickface ALL the time, and that makes him so much cooler. He’s bringing back Classic Henry Gale, which is convenient because his face is starting to look kinda like it did back in those days.

I. How does Sawyer not understand what “NOT PENNY’S BOAT” means? It’s not like Chuckles saw the deed to the vessel, chief. There’s one Penny in today’s story, and one boat. For the first time, Chuckles sends a message worth listening to (and conveniently enough, he does it without opening his mouth), and the three words don’t compute? Really shocking that you aren’t in a leadership role.

J. How is EVERYTHING on the Island within five minutes’ walk of the beach? Are you telling me that Hurley managed to stumble into Jacob’s back yard in the same time it took to reach the Swan Hatch, to reach the Medical Hatch, the Pearl Hatch, the downed plane, the plane cockpit, the observatory shack where Snake Eyes lived, the camp where the tail section landed and the giant sonic security fence? I thought Jacob’s place was way over on the other side of the Island – you know, where the OTHERS lived. There’s no way Hurley is walking that far without taking a snack break.

K. So are the mysterious whispers that everyone’s been hearing around the Island associated with Jacob? Is that just him out for a midnight stroll? Also, why do the whispers suddenly sound like Adam Sandler doing his “Excited Southerner” impression?

L. If Hurley saw Jacob, does that mean Hurley is “in tune” with the Island like Locke, or does it mean that Locke is crazy like Hurley? Also, why would Hurley’s vision of Jacob look like Jack’s dad? I could see how Jack’s vision of Jacob would look like his pops, just like Kate saw the horse and such, but why Hurley? What does that mean about Jack’s dad, if anything? The eye in the window didn’t look like Locke’s – he’s more of a “can’t have a long conversation with you ecause you creep me out” crazy, not so much a “wild-eyed shack-dweller” crazy.

M. Does Naomi have a sister, or is “tell my sister I love her” fancy pirate code for “these motherfuckers put a Crocodile Dundee knife in my back and ya’ll should wipe ‘em out”?

N. Locke, don’t tell everyone “I know I have a lot of explaining to do” and then don’t explain anything. Drop a hint, make some vague references, or just flat out offer some truth to the situation, because Lord knows that nobody else feels like playing their cards and the first guy to put it on the table and stop bullshitting is sure to achieve cult-leader status. You’re the only one who “understands” the Island, and it’s safe to say that no matter how much of its secrets you share with the riffraff, none of them are going to understand it anyway, so just throw out some details already

Posted in: Television
Tagged: abc, lost
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