I know, i have beens away for many weeks now. Time slips away from you aqui at ‘Club Parts Unknown’. Between the suns, funs, and Swankettes -and I do means ‘between the Swankettes’- I have lost all tracks of time. But, evens if I had known the times, I don’t think I would be writing to you before. You see...I am mad at the Gonzogeeks.
Jes, I know, I am always mad at the Gonzogeeks. But this time, it is different. They have even more insulted me than usual. Manys of the Gonzogeeks has taken their spring breakses, but no one of them thinks to say ‘Hey, Rey, we’re going on a trip, do you want to go?’.
Jibbers & Lunde and Matts wents to the South by Southwests musics fair. I likes the musics, but do they invites me? No.
Esteb, the arty farty one wents to the Las Vegas. I likes the showgirls, but do he invites me? No.
Brick, their ‘leader’, he goes to Costa Rica, which is not so very fars away from the Parts Unknown. Do he invites me...No!
Hunterd and Juan, they stay at home in Hillbillysee. Do they invites me? Well, jes, but it is Hillbillysee! Why would anyones go there?
Andale! To the questions!
‘Hey Rey! Wassup!’ - Snoops
Really. I am gone for almost two months and this is the first questions that they Gonzogeeks sends to me. Okay, Rey will play. Taxes, rents, the sky and mi little ‘migo, El Swankorito.
(You see, even mads, I still joke about my wiener!)
‘Hey Rey! Great time of year to be a sports fan, ain’t it? March Madness. Basketball and hockey playoffs. A return of the Boys of Summer.’ - Dickie V.
I know that you have hads your March Madnesses up there in el norte, but I am not a fan of this baskety-ball. Throws a ball through a hoop, yippie. It looks likes a sports that poor people makes up in the Great Depressions. “Hey, you know whats is fun? Let’s throw that ball in a fruits basket and then go eats some dirts, jes?” I think I mebee likes to watch the paints to dry or the grasses to grow instead.
Hockey? You knows that that started as Ultimates Eskimo Fighting, jes? They would takes the old Eskimos and put thems on a piece of ice and makes them fight to the death with sticks, knives, and a rock. The loser was eatens by the winner. The winner drownded when the ices melt. Mean peoples, those Eskimos. They rub noses to kiss because they bites your tongue off if you uses your mouths.
The Boys of Summer? Do you take Rey for a gaysexual? These Boys do not interest me as much as the Womens of Summer...and of the Falls, Winters and Springs.
‘Hey Rey, my girlfriend talked me into doing a threesome with her roommate from college. It was totally hot until they kicked me out of bed. Did I do something wrong?’ - Ron J
Well, Ron, probably jes. First, you had to be talks into it. WTF, ‘migo??!! Many mens (I have heard) have a menagerie of trees as their number one fantasy-sex. You, clearly, are not ‘many mens’. That mebee reason one why you were kicked out the beds.
Reasons two, mebee your girlfriend and the roommate are the ladysexuals who has always had the hots for each others, and they used you as an excuse to get things going. Not you’re fault excepting that you were datings the ladysexual.
And finally, reasons three. You must probably suck at the making of love. Myself, I have had many of the threesexes. I do not mean to be bragging, but sometimes, my Swankettes will call their lady friends to join in because I am so good at the sexing. You must lacks the necessary skills for this kind of a job. If this ever happens again to you, please films your girlfriend and her friends and send to me the tape so that I may coaches you.
And with that, I am done with my contractuallys obligated letters for this month. Come backs in June for more, ‘migos!
Cocktail of the months (for all you Boys of Summers)
3 parts Hornitos Plata Tequila
1 part lemon juice
1 tsp superfine sugar
6 parts club soda
Pour the tequila, lemon juice, and sugar into a collins glass with ice cubes.
Top with club soda.