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Rey Swanko: Ask a Luchadore - 1-13

Hola ‘Migos!

I knows, I knows…long times no sees.  After the Comicons, I needs a break from the Gonzogeek liars, sos I retreats to my secret Swankadore bunker with my good buddys, the the Mayor from Parts Unknowns, and we teach the local swankadettes about the ways of loves. 

You knows, the sexity-sex.

And lots of it.

So now the Gonzogeeks call me up and says ‘Hey, Rey!  Wanna come back and write your column, the one you’re contractually olbigated to do?’ 

And I says ‘Go to hell,Liars!’

And they says, ‘You first.  And talk to our lawyers while you’re there.’


But to makes a tall story short.  I am back.  Batter up!

‘Hey Rey, what do you think about this year’s MLB Hallof Fame vote?Hornus

All I knows is that once again, I have been snubs for the Halls of Fames! I think they hold that I did not play the besi-bol against me.  But why?  I am famous, too!  I am as deserving of the Halls of Fames as the  "killed a guy to watch him dies" racist, Ty Coon.  I can drink and gamble like Mickeys Mantle.  Perhaps I have not done enough of the steroidals, like your Sammys Soosas, Mark MacGyvers, Ralphie Palmettos, and the biggest cheaters of alls: Barry Bono and Rocket Clemmons! Of all the cheaters, they were the most cheaterest. Even their ego’s chat!  Did they not cheat betters than the others? You bet your sweet bippity-boo they dids.  Shoot, ‘migos.  Even Petey Hustles is in your Halls of Fames and he bet on the…wah?

The Mayor says that Petey Hustles is not in the Halls of Fames. 


If you are not going to let in the cheaters then you might as well votes in all Biggios and Bagwells you cans find and call it ‘The Halls of Okay, Why Nots’!

But no Mike Palazzo.  He is a gaysexual.

Hey Rey, what do you think about gun control? – Wayne

You know – a good Swankadore keeps his gun under control at all times.  His rifle on the other hands….

HA!  I joke about my wiener! 

There are peoples out theres who is always saying that a shooting would be different if maybe the victims has a gun.  That mebbe he could be the victor instead of the victim, no?  But what about the victor who is now a victims?  Mebbe he should has a bigger gun, so he no is vicitm now.  Then, mebbe, that victor, formerlys victim,should has a bigger gun, too, so he can stays not the victim, which means that mebbe the new victims should has a bigger gun again so he can continues to make the crime.  Now mebbe, that first victim-victor-victim-victoria should gets a bomb…

You are in a arms race with youselves. 

Some peoples are sayin that mebbe you could make a list of all the crazy peoples and not let them have the guns.  But that is estupdio.  What good would be a list of ex-boyfirends and girlfriends and little old crazy ladies with open bathrobes and yippy-yap dogs?  You make a list of all the crazy peoples and very soons nobody left to owns a gun.  So then some peoples say mebbe you could put armed guards everywheres, like in the schools. And the parks.  And the malls.  And everywheres but the Targetity-stores, because that would be likes the red flag and the bull,no.  But that is estupido, tambien.  Very nothing says ‘freedom’ like army-mens everywheres. 

I say you shoulds not worry about your socio-fetish-tyranobama.  I think peoples should keeps their guns to be safe from that hombre, La Perrier.

 Hey Rey!  Howabout that Fiscal Cliff deal?  Exciting!– John & Mitch

Oh, si.  Very exciting. 

Like this ones time in my home country when the bookers, a man who had been hits too many times with a chair, had me fight a rock.  Not the People’s Rock, but a real rock, with the sharp edges and everythings.

And did I mentions, I was at the top of the card?

One luchadore was fightings with a chicken, another had to wreslte a small baby-child.  They hads a lingere match between a dog and a goat (which the goat won, By The Way) and a Texas Chain match with a chain against a rope.  He just throw thems into the ring and throw thems both out for being foreign objectos. 

And then that thing with the little peoples, squeezie butter and toast.

No sense, no?

Your Fiscal Cliff debate mades as much sense and accomplisheded just as much.  Why not next time you let a blind boy drive the orphan bus over the mountains.

That would be the excitings.


Well, ‘migos.  That is all the time I will be spendings with you today.  The Mayor and I have much trabajo for the swankadettes (the sexity-sex, you knows).  If you miss me until the nexts times, you can always follow me on the Tweeters, @reyswanko.


PS- I almost forgets.  I always give a cocktail recipe with my advices.  I call this drink the ‘GonzoGeek’.

  • One bottle of cheap tequila.
  • One lime
  • Salt
  • A bunch of liars

Pour one large glass of tequila.  Throw it in the liar’s faces.

Posted in: Gonzo