WHAT THE HELL, NFL?!?! What was that?! I understand that it’s the beginning of the season and that things are going to be loopy for a minute, but really?! And I’m serious about all of this anger right now (You can tell by scoping out all of those fancy punctuation marks [Question marks AND Exclamation points {Don’t make me bust out an ampersand, NFL!}])!! You’ve made me look like a fool (like a foolish fool!). I went from tied for first with a rather impressive opening week performance to getting trounced in week two with only FOUR correct picks. You’ve made me look like the Dallas Cowboys….or WORSE!!! THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stephe currently leads the way by his fraction of a point (Does anyone else think that .5 will come back to haunt us all later in the season?) with a score of 19.5. The Mayor of Parts Unknown trails with 19. Bruce has a solid 17, and Chris and I are battling it out in last with 15 apiece. ONWARD AND UPWARD!
After a rather insane two weeks of ups, downs and unpredictability, TWENTY of the 32 teams are 1-1. Of the six teams that remain undefeated, three of them have birds as their mascots (Eagles, Cardinals, and Falcons [so obviously the bird is the word in the NFL {EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!!!}]) And that leads us to our spotlight game of the week.
SPOTLIGHT GAME: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES VS. ARIZONA CARDINALS
HUNTER: SOMEHOW the Eagles have managed to stay undefeated with NINE turnovers. Most of those have come from Michael Vick (let’s not forget that when one of his dogs would have a bad fight, he’d drown them [where’s that punishment for him? {every time Vick throws a pick, can we taser him?}]) That’s the most impressive stat of the young season. They’ve somehow found a way to win. Admittedly one of those wins was against an inferior Browns team, but they still managed to eek out a win over the another fowl in the Ravens. Two weeks, two bird wins for the Eagles. PICK: EAGLES
BRUCE: The Cards are only undefeated thanks to a fluke win over the Patriots. As inconsistent as they are, I think Philly is the better team. I hope the Cards enjoyed their week, because it’s about to come to a bitter end. PICK: EAGLES
STEPHE: PICK: EAGLES
CHRIS: This game is case-study in early season NFL madness. Two teams will take the desert undefeated, and the disparity between them will quickly become Instagram Kelvin clear. Philadelphia’s offense will shred the Cards’ back 7, and their defense will humble former teammate Kevin Kolb. It would help if Arizona had a running game, but since they don’t it’s going to be lights-out early on this one. PICK: EAGLES
MAYOR: I understand both these teams are off to 2-0 starts. Good thing we don't monkey with that sort of tomfoolery in the MES. These are both birds and the Eagles have the definite size advantage. But which one's been on the endangered list? Point and match, Cardinals. Koko B. Ware defeats... um... the Gobbledy Gooker! PICK: CARDINALS
REST OF THE PICKS
NEW YORK GIANTS VS. CAROLINA PANTHERS
HUNTER: GIANTS
BRUCE: GIANTS
STEPHE: GIANTS
CHRIS: GIANTS
MAYOR: GIANT S over Panthers by flattening
ST. LOUIS RAMS VS. CHICAGO BEARS
HUNTER: BEARS
BRUCE: BEARS
STEPHE: BEARS
CHRIS: RAMS
MAYOR: BEARS over Rams by mauling
BUFFALO BILLS VS. CLEVELAND BROWNS
HUNTER: BILLS
BRUCE: Who scheduled this game? It’s like watching a pair of lifelong alcoholics get in a slap fight over the last complimentary peanut in the bowl. Someone is going to fall down eventually, but it won't be pretty to watch. BILLS
STEPHE: BILLS
CHRIS: BILLS
MAYOR: BILLS over Browns by stampede
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS VS DALLAS COWBOYS
HUNTER: Now that they’ve finally lost a game after their shocking week one win, I feel much better. However…..COWBOYS
BRUCE: The Cowboys crashed back to Earth last week. Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of clowns. BUCS
STEPHE: BUCS
CHRIS: BUCS
MAYOR: COWBOYS over Bucs. Final score: 3 Yeehaws to 1 ARRRRR
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS VS. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
HUNTER: While he’s not RGIII’ing it right now, Luck was fairly solid last week against the Vikes. A team that beat the Jags in week one. Ipso facto…vis a vis…transitive property of football….COLTS
BRUCE: The Jags looked hapless against the Texans last week and they didn't hire Matt. Continuing to lob bad GonzoGeek voodoo at them. COLTS
STEPHE: COLTS
CHRIS: This will be a far more exciting contest than most expect. COLTS
MAYOR: COLTS over Jaguars by 4 furlongs
NEW YORK JETS VS. MIAMI DOLPHINS
HUNTER: Remember when this was a rivalry game in the NFL? JETS
BRUCE: Remember when the Dolphins were a premiere NFL franchise? JETS
STEPHE: JETS
CHRIS: If Sanchez proves himself to be a better QB than the Phins rook, this should be another surprisingly fiercely fought early season divisional contest. JETS
MAYOR: JETS over Dolphins by Mach 3
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS VS. MINNESOTA VIKINGS
HUNTER: 49ERS
BRUCE: 49ERS
STEPHE: 49ERS
CHRIS: 49ERS
MAYOR: VIKINGS over 49ers by berzerkery
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS VS. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
HUNTER: SAINTS
BRUCE: SAINTS
STEPHE: SAINTS
CHRIS: SAINTS
MAYOR: CHIEFS over Saints by 2 war parties
DETROIT LIONS VS. TENNESSEE TITANS
HUNTER: TITANS
BRUCE: LIONS
STEPHE: LIONS
CHRIS: LIONS
MAYOR: LIONS over Titans by devouring
CINNCINNATI BENGALS VS. WASHINGTON REDSKINS
HUNTER: REDSKINS
BRUCE: REDSKINS
STEPHE: BENGALS
CHRIS: REDSKINS
MAYOR: REDSKINS over Bengals by ambush
ATLANTA FALCONS VS. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
HUNTER: FALCONS
BRUCE: FALCONS
STEPHE: FALCONS
CHRIS: CHARGERS
MAYOR: CHARGERS over Falcons by frontal assault
HOUSTON TEXANS VS. DENVER BRONCOS
HUNTER: I’ve loved this Texans team since they showed up and spanked the Cowboys in their first game. The only reason I’ve ever been against them is that they are divisional foes for the Titans. But if a team from the AFC other than the Titans goes all the way, I’d totally love for it to be Houston. TEXANS
BRUCE: They are minting "Big Game" rings here in H-Town already. They're also salivating at the idea of beating down Peyton Manning after a decade of being his Divisional bitch. The former may be premature, but the latter? Well that's just gonna be fun to watch. TEXANS
STEPHE: BRONCOS
CHRIS: TEXANS
MAYOR: TEXANS over Broncos by saddlin' up them doggies
PITTSBURGH STEELERS VS. OAKLAND RAIDERS
HUNTER: STEELERS
BRUCE: STEELERS
STEPHE: STEELERS
CHRIS: RAIDERS
MAYOR: STEELERS over Raiders by smelting
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VS. BALTIMORE RAVENS
HUNTER: RAVENS
BRUCE: PATRIOTS
STEPHE: RAVENS
CHRIS: PATRIOTS
MAYOR: PATRIOTS over Ravens by Constitutional Conventioneering
GREEN BAY PACKERS VS. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
HUNTER: PACKERS
BRUCE: PACKERS
STEPHE: PACKERS
CHRIS: PACKERS
MAYOR: SEAHAWKS over Packers by a feather