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Latest Posts

Rey Swanko's Lucha Lounge - Advice and Cocktails - 6/21/12
Hola ‘Migos!

The most beautifullest thing about this time of year is not that there are more womens to see. No, it is that there is more OF the women’s to see, if you catch what I am saying. Justly, it has be a very busy time for your beloved Swankador. But, a job is a job, and this is the work that I am doing. Now, to sus preguntas.



From Gilbert:

I am a busy student and I rarely make enough time to work out. Do you have any exercise advice, or maybe some quick activities that will help keep me in shape?


This is a most difficult question for me, because I am always in the best shape of mi vida. And I don’t even have to be doing the excercising. My advice to you is to drinking heavily. As mi madre always say ‘I don’t think you put on the weight when all you eat is the vodka.’

From Lamar:

My skin is always very dry in the winter months, and store-bought creams never seem to help. What do you do to keep your skin in good shape?


I live somewhere warm in the winter, so my skin never gets dry. Also, I bathe in the milk of the wet nurse. If you don’t live near baby, then I think you should move.

From Dudley:

I recently visited Tijuana, and ever since, it burns pretty bad when I pee. I'm also pretty sure my left foot has become bigger than my right. What should I do?!

Oh, this is very bad for you. This happen to friend of mine many years ago. He went to many American doctors who say he must have his ‘little ‘migo’ removed to cure his problem. This is very bad advice. Go find old Mestizo Bruja, she live in a van down by the river. Bruja will gives you medicine to take the burning and the swelling away. Your feets will be the same size and your penis will fall off on its own. You’re welcome!

From Harold:

I am a small man who recently started dating a professional fast pitch softball player. She's really a lovely girl, and doesn't mean to be so rough; but people at work are starting to ask about the bruises. Please help!

Oh…I see this all the time. First, you are dating, how they say, a ‘lebanesse’, you know, one of the ladies who like to lick the other ladies in a place where only a true hombre should put his tongue. She is wanting to be the man to you being the scaredy little girl. You needs to ‘sack up’. Ttell her you are not her bag for punching, and then hit her back. You know what they say about a woman with two black eyes? You done told her twice already. If that fails, or maybe you like being her ‘catcher’, then wear the turtleneck. You know, like what that Stevie Jobs did. His wife was a beast.

Well, that is all we have for this time. Thinking of warm, smooth skin has made me thirsty for the rum. This week’s drink recipe is for the Bushwacker.  Pay atencion Harold:

1 oz. Rum
1 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
1 oz. Baileys Irish Cream
1 oz. Amaretto
1 oz. Frangelico
1 oz. Creme de Cacao

Instructions

Fill a blender half-full with ice and blend until smooth. Pour into a collins glass and sprinkle nutmeg on top.

Enjoy your beatings, little ‘migo!

Adios!

If you've got a question for Rey, you can find him on Twitter (@askaluchador) or you can shoot him an email at rey.swanko[at]gmaildotcom.
Posted in: Lifestyle