You know, just this week pasado, as I was conducting my weekly classroom on ‘Sandwatching’ here at the beach, I meet the most beautiful soccer mami. She was a crying because her lover-man had spurned her for another woman. I say to her that this was a terrible thing and that I was there for her. I listen to her problemas, I give her strong lucha-shoulder to cry upon. I am very good at these things and many womens would be lucky to have me. I am, how you say, a catch. A ‘Consolation Prize’ if you will.
Now to this week’s mail bag.
Rey, I was with my special lady friend in an ‘intimate’ situation. In the heat of the moment, I told her that she looked every bit as good as the women on the internet. Did I screw up?
Sherm, when you are with a woman, be it a super-model or a last call liquor-pig, you must remember that what these women is giving you is a gift: a place to dump your seed. The next time you feel the need for the bedroom chatter, do not say ‘as good as’.
Dude! I was just at a McDonald’s grabbing some tasty nuggets, when this chick in a booth whipped out a titty and stuck it in her kid’s mouth!! Who does that shit? Should that kind of kink be allowed at the mighty Mickey D’s?
Macon, I believe you are talkings about the breast feeding and it is a perfectly natural way for a mommy lady to bond with her little baby child. It is okay to do in any public place as long as she has brought enough for the rest of the group. No baby child is too young to learn the value of sharing.
Hey Rey, long time reader, first time writer. I live in a USDA Zone 5. It’s been such a warm winter I’ve been wondering if I should go ahead and put out some tomatoes?
Dear Madison, you know as well as the Swankadore, that the danger of a late season frost has not yet past for your region. Putting out your veggies and tender annuals now is a roll of the dice. Wait until after Dia De Los Impuestos or April 15, whichever comes the first.
My boyfriend is really into Game Of Thrones on HBO, especially the character Danaerys. He’s, like, totally obsessed with her and I keep telling him that in the books she can’t be more than 15, tops. He told me that it was a different culture and who were we to judge, then goes back to watching her topless scenes over and over again. Is my boyfriend a pervert?
When you are providing the comfort to the lonely soccer mamis, it is always advisable to offer them a soothing libation. Inspired by Los Hermanos Allman, might I suggest...
Sweet Georgia Peach.
- 1/2 oz Bacardi® Limon rum
- 1/2 oz Malibu® coconut rum
- 1/4 oz peach schnapps
- 1/4 oz pineapple juice
- 1 splash cranberry juice
Combine all ingredients into tin with just a splash of cranberry for peach color and shake well. Strain into shooter glasses and just wait for the next round to be ordered.
And that’s all I have for this week, ‘migos. And to all of you lovely soccer mom trophy wives out there, remember that when your manfolk cheat on you, and he will, the Swankador is here for you.
If you've got a question for Rey, you can find him on Twitter (@askaluchador) or you can shoot him an email at rey.swanko[at]gmaildotcom.