As it turns out, it was easier to get Rey Swanko to agree to write our advice column than it was to get him to do it.
It seems that there were some internet issues wherever it is that he lives. Also, he wasn't as proficient with Twitter as we'd hoped.
Still, the world's foremost swankador is a gamer and he's answered the first batch of questions sent to him from our readers.
My girlfriend came home last night with a rash on her forehead and elbows and is acting all weird when I ask her what happened to her. Any thoughts? - Guy West
Rey responds: You should not be worried. It is very much clear to me that she likes to go down close to the floor when she cleans. You are a very lucky man and should get behind her efforts to keep a neat home. I would much like to meet your girlfriend. My floors are filthy.
Hey Rey --
My 15-yr old son just dumped his first girlfriend and seems ready to go on a tear. I warned him that he could catch stuff from their mouths just as easy as any of their other parts, but he didn’t seem to believe me. What should I do?
Thanks – Stan ‘Cooter’ Catcher
Rey responds: I applaud your paternal foresight. When it was time to have "the talk" with my son, El Hijo de Swanko, I made sure to include a frank discussion of the many pleasures and dangers of amor oral. It has been my experience that the best option in such delicate moments is a dental dam.
I've just moved into a new apartment and it is a bit drab. What should I do to help spruce the place up? - Isabella Black
Rey responds: Congratulations on your nuevo hogar. Having spent a great deal of my adult years on the road performing for my fans throughout Mexico, I lived a very transient lifestyle. It was difficult to spend too much time worrying about how my home looked when I was living out of my suitcase. When I finally retired from the ring and began to spend time at home, I realized I needed more than IKEA furniture and milk crates if I was to truly live the life of a luchamore. That's when I turned to Nalgas de Oro, an exotico I had worked with for years.
On his advice I filled my humble home with candles and candlesticks. They did indeed set the mood when I brought home a comely senorita. Unfortunately, after an evening of especially athletic amor, we fell asleep. The aforementioned IKEA furniture caught fire when my cat knocked over several of the candlestick while rubbing himself against my copy of the Kama Sutra.
The lady and I made it out of the blaze unscathed, but my cat perished.
My advice? Avoid candles and invest in some decorative throw pillows.
And finally, from @ProductofSloth
we get this one -
Hey, Rey?: How do I get rid of this burning itch? Salve. Balm. Something else weirdly spelt?
Rey responds: Forego the salves and balms. Try an unguent or an emollient.
If you've got a question for Rey, you can find him on Twitter (@askaluchador)
or you can shoot him an email at rey.swanko[at]gmaildotcom.
Before we go, Rey sent along a favorite recipe from the Lucha Lounge.
Greetings Swankadors and Swankadoras,
While it seems all of the kids are into vampires these days, there is nothing as timeless as a zombie. We've been fascinated with the dead rising since the first person fell dead. We've even gone so far as to create a drink named after them. This particular zombie recipe includes enough rum to render a headshot unnecessary. Enjoy. - Rey Swanko
THE LUCHA LOUNGE ZOMBIE
- 1 1/2 oz gold rum
- 3 tsp lime juice
- 1 tbsp Jamaican dark rum
- 1 tbsp white rum
- 1 tbsp pineapple juice
- 1 tbsp papaya juice
- 1 1/2 tsp sugar syrup
- 1 tsp 151 proof rum
- 1 pineapple stick
- 1 pinch powdered sugar
Shake all ingredients (except the high-proof rum) over ice, the pineapple stick and the sugar. Strain and add ice. Garnish with pineapple and a cherry. Float the high-proof rum on top and sprinkle a little sugar over it.
Serve in a Collins glass.
- Rey Swanko