Good afternoon kids. I have a confession to make. I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen
. It's not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
I probably took more than anybody could survive. ... I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. ... I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs.
Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. People say it's lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.
That being said,I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars. I woke up and decided, you know, I've been kicked around. I've been criticized. I've been like the, 'Ah, shucks' guy with like this bitchin' rockstar life. And I'm just finally going to completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it, and love it violently. And defend it violently through violent hatred.
I'm proud of what I've created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they're never otherwise going to see in their boring, normal lives. And I gave that to them. I may forget about them tomorrow, but they'll live with that memory for the rest of their lives. And that's a gift, man.
The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like you know, droopy eyes armless children.
I'm proud of what I've created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they're never otherwise going to see in their boring, normal lives. And I gave that to them. I may forget about them tomorrow, but they'll live with that memory for the rest of their lives. And that's a gift, man
Which brings us to the subject of cheesecake, and this week's rather obvious choice. Say hello to Denise Richards. She's an ex-Mrs. Sheen. In addition, she's generally considered the worst Bond girl of all time.
Perhaps, Charlie Sheen can, in his own special way, help us finish out Ms. Richards' writeup? Carlos? "(She) shows up looking the way she does. Look at her. Wow! Everybody’s winning. Boom!”
Then he added, "I tried marriage. I'm 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer -- I believe in numbers. I'm not going 0 for 4. I'm not wearing a golden sombrero."
Play ball Chaz! Play ball!
To the links!
Lions v. Hyenas
ET Sequel: “ET-X” – Extended Trailer
Drummer gone wild!
Rats like Skate Witches
Baby GaGa breast milk ice cream
Just in case you forgot what true greatness looks like....
Miss Ultimate Sexy Baby Nevada pageant
Charlie Brown v. Charlie Sheen
A beautiful, and spectacularly executed, bike ride
So maybe Dave, Michael, and Sammy weren’t the crazy ones after all….
This fungi makes zombies
Some people don’t need drugs or video games
So…when swimming against the tide…
Good thing nobody gave these girls the ‘you don’t have to take your clothes off to make it’ memo.
Trick shot long snapper. HUT HUT!
Get to know the iPad 2 - eLectric Boogaloo.
Jimmy Fallon as Charlie Sheen.
Pop quiz - who said it Charlie Sheen or...THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR (Charlie Sheen Hat Trick)?
Winning is fun!
Six things you didn't know we were running out of.
Nineteen products that only exist in the movies.
Charlie Sheen quotes presented by superheroes.
Fifty-four beloved breakfast cereals we've lost. (numbered list hat trick. DOUBLE HAT TRICK!!)
And finally, a sneak peek at the series finale of Two and a Half Men (DOUBLE CHARLIE SHEEN HAT TRICK! TRIPLE HAT TRICK! WINNING!!!).