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Latest Posts

Ask a Swankador: Rey Swanko's Swankantine Day Edition

Hola ‘Migos!

 

Now comes the Swankantine Day.  The day when you makes the special, more exciting, sexes with your womens.  A beautiful day, no. 

I find many peoples write to me for the sex advices, so for the Swankantine Day, I will makes a special effort to only give the sex advices to you, my ‘migos. 

I finds that many of you peoples need it. 

 

Hey Rey, I’ve been reading my mom’s magazines and they all say that women like a man with a good sense of humor.  I’m a pretty funny guy, but I’m having a hard time connecting with the ladies.  Are they liars? - Harvey

Well, yes.  The women’s, like a GonzoGeek, they are the liars!  Do you know whens a GonzoGeek is lying?  When is breathing!

But that is not advices. 

I thinks mebee you should hire a wingling to follows you around and make the sounds of the drums when you make the jokes.  Pa-dum-pum!  You know, someones to give you the rim job.

 

Hey, Rey!  When it comes to sex, my boyfriend never takes my needs into account.  He just wants climb on, step on the gas and go, go, go!  Any help would be appreciated. - Carol

I likes these kinds of mans.  They puts the bar on the floor, where the lesser mans trip on it.  A true Swankador pick ups that bar, beat the other mans with it, and take his womens. 

When it comes to the making happy womens with the sexing, it is about the four plays:  kissing, grabbing, sexing, and leaving.   

Kissing:  In this orders - cheek, lips, neck, ear, nipple, canyon.

Grabbing: In the same orders

Sexing: Same again, but skips the cheek, ear and neck – those are the pervy-dervy.  Also, not the butt.

Leaving: With the smiles on the faces.   

 

Hey Rey, my girlfriend wants to try bondage.  I’m a little scared.  How do I tell her I’m not into it? - Tim

You don’t.  Pick a safety words and do the freaky-deakies.    

 

 Rey.  My husband has grown this awful, scruffy looking beard.  How do I get him to shave? - Vicki

Ahhh…the groomings.  There was a times when all of the peoples were everywhere hairy.  Making the sex was like the Velcro wallet.  Scrip. Scrip.  Scrip.

I don’t knows…mebee withhold somethings.  How does he makes you to shave yours? 

 

Reymond, when my girlfriend and I are getting, you know, amorous, I find that I sometimes have issues with, um, ‘early release’.  What should I do? - Lyle

For you, I will give the advices I myself received many, many years ago as a young Swankadorito.  If you sees something you cannots handle, flip her over.

 

That is all for my advices for the times.  I must repairs to the Lounge and find a special lady friend for the big day.  And if, like somes of you, I cannots find a special lady friend for the sexes (yeah, right), then I will follow the advices of Bing, Crosby, Nash & Bridges:   If you cannots be on top of the ones you wants, ‘migo, makes do with what's at hand!

Still a kind of a pretty day, no?

Adios ‘Migos!

 

 

And for the Swankantine’s Day, I proposes the ‘Cranberry Kiss’

4 oz reposado tequila
4 oz triple sec
8 oz cranberry juice

 Makes by the glass for a special lady friend, or the pitchers for many of the peoples.  Serve in a cocktail glass, garnisheded with half slice of the fresh lime.

Posted in: Lifestyle